Words have been failing me, denying me any expression. My pain has been eating me up from the inside, devouring my heart, soul and mind. Dark thoughts have been clouding my mind, shrouding it in blackness, hate and despair. Self-loathing and pity for my pathetic being have taken over. Everything seems dark, cold and evil. J has been trying to help me, make me feel better, waves of persuasion wash over me and make me see my body in the mirror, see my bones and think to myself "too thin". Then they recede, as does the tide, and my eyes cloud the reality. Or do they bare it? I do not know. Eating, not eating, doing nothing, spending hours working out, my life has become a juxtaposition. To tell the truth, from time to time I felt like I was being myself for the first time in a long while, eating somewhat normally, but the guilt took over again. Waiting for a letter of acceptance from UoI has me in an agony of suspense, what if? What if. I am accustomed to burying myself in studies, with no studies all that is left for me to do is wait. I am a very impatient person. So I immerse myself in work and books, devouring the classics like a madwoman. Like the madwoman I seem to have become. My temper, never very even, seems to have lost all boundaries, careless questions or simple remarks throw me into a frenzy of rage and leave me glaring and burning with hate. If looks could kill. I weigh 117 pounds. I am becoming thinner. I love and hate it, the controversy is tearing me apart. Happiness, sadness, love, hate, eating, starving. I am a contradiction in itself. Writing down my feelings and not merely reading those of others makes my heart burn with pain, yet it seems to soothe and calm the monster in my head. I am a contradiction in itself. You may call me discrepancy.
December 23, 2011