Before I know it, warm days came and then went. Leaves turned golden and then fell. Snow drifted down and then melted. Now, the air is thick and reminds me to acknowledge the coming of a new spring. A drop falls on my palms. Whether it is from the stormy clouds ready for the first rain of the year, or my misty eyes, I can’t tell. My eyelids quiver, trying to withhold an ocean. But the waves of pain and memories are no match for my tired eyes. The drop is rid of loneliness as the ocean overflows onto my hands. Meanwhile, my loneliness grows. Each tear holds in a thought, a feeling, or a memory. Each one telling me of how different this spring will be from the one passed. Each one reminding me of how the best of times are already gone. The tears leave from my big brown eyes. I’m now left with nothing. Thoughtless. Speechless. Emotionless. A chill runs down my spine. The rain accompanies my tears and the reality of the new spring hits me as hard as a hammer hits a loose nail. The pavement greets the soft flow, the worms eagerly come out, the flowers thank the skies for rejuvenation…and I stand, shivering. Thoughtless. Speechless. Emotionless. Everything shed away from me along with the streaks down my cheeks. I can only be content with having no emotion. After all, it’s better than my heart weighing down with pain and regret. This way, I can fake a smile. Fake a smile so well that it seems as real and true as the speed of light. But only my dry eyes and my drained heart will know that the genuine smiles have faded months ago. And now, at the close mark of a year, they are replaced by fake smiles disguising frowns. The memories are replaced by regrets. The hugs are replaced by distance. The laughs are replaced by unnerving silences. The reality of this all is that nothing will ever be the same. It’s amazing how much things can change in a matter of three hundred sixty-five days and within those days are thousands of moments. My smile will never again be real. I am drained of all energy. I am thoughtless. Speechless. Emotionless.
Thoughtless, Speechless, Emotionless
December 10, 2011