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I’ve cried in the movie theater;
this is when I know perfectly well
it’s all going to end with someone smiling.
nevertheless, I’ve sobbed over a dead dog
one too many times.
I can’t even begin to recollect how many times I’ve wept
over a loved one lost
when they weren’t even my loved one
but the creation of ten writers who needed to make some money.
I’ve felt anger towards an empty space
towards an idea
something that doesn’t exist.
I’ve felt resentment towards a memory
which I guess is normal.
still feels like yesterday
the burn is still fresh and full of puss.
(did I forget to mention I fabricated the memory in my head?)
I’ve laughed at a joke someone made five years ago.
I’ve felt guilt over a wrong I made one week ago
that no one else remembers
but I sure as hell do.
I’ve felt pity for someone I hate.
I’ve hated human beings.
Since when did my emotions ever make sense?
“You’re smarter than this”
I’m not smarter than anything.
Your emotions don’t have a standardized test requirement
and they sure as hell don’t ask if they are being rational.
If I have visions of violence
they aren’t because i’m getting F’s on all my tests in history.
If I cry in the middle of the night
because I can’t stand to even look in that godforsaken mirror
I’m not thinking about what the greater meaning of all this is.
If I bully myself
feel hatred towards myself
believe I don’t deserve anything
it has nothing to do with the fact that I had the most common sense
when my friends and I were making a decision together.
That rip I feel in my gut
has nothing to do with my intelligence.
It has nothing to do with what I’ve known.
I studied AP Psychology and did great on that exam
but that doesn’t mean that what I studied
can’t happen to me.
I know the chemical imbalances
I know what is going on
I realize what my mind is doing
what my body is feeling
but that doesn’t stop it from happening.
You don’t stop dying
because you know which part of your body will stop functioning first.
You don’t stop drowning
because you know just how many times you are going to wake up
before you actually loose consciousness for good.
You don’t stop feeling
because you know what caused it.
that I’m smarter than what I’m feeling
is insulting my intelligence.
don’t tell me,
is that irrational too?
should I be smarter than that too?
you tell me
apparently I’m too stupid.