I Remember

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They say a butterfly's wings
are the beauty of the creature;
well, you are the the wings
of my pain.

Years followed, years lost.
I remember.
Can't let it go. Try to let it go.
It won't go.

Wisps of remorse ease into strands,
whip around my neck.
I remember.
Choking.
Can't stop remembering.
Suffocating.
Eyes shut, mind open.
Dying.

Stop.

Distraction.
Friends. Love. Family. Love.
School. Amusement.

Bells ring. Love ends. Amusement ends.
Everybody leaves. Everybody's gone.
Walk alone, my music on, my ears closed.
Shades on, eyes closed.

Just keep walking.

Thoughts.
Memories. Feelings.
Won't end.
I remember, holding the remorse by the tails
for later.

The first was the worst.
Love. It was a lie then. It was a mistake.
You were a mistake.
I went in anyways.

It was bad. I got out okay. You let me out.
But you wanted me back in.
I didn't go back in.
For a stupid person, I was smart.

I was stupid. I was so stupid.
Those years ago, I wish I could go back
and warn myself not to be stupid,
not to go in.

The year after was the attempt.
Attempt to be friends. Attempt to be okay.
The attempt wasn't successful.
The attempt was ill-conceived.

But it was just once every morning.
Very close proximity, but no speaking allowed.
No voices.
No apologizing.

I hated the apologies.
I hated the insecurity, the sensitivity.
I hated the self-esteem
and the putting down.

But the next year was bad.
Twice a day. Talking permitted.
Partnership mandatory.
That year was bad.

Apologies. New person. Sorry. Before. Stupid.
Whatever.
It's over, but I'll always feel bad.
Leave me alone.
I'm so sorry.
Go away.
But.
I hope you'll always feel bad...because I'll never feel good again.

Gone.

Twice a day. Faces.
Staring. Eyes. Thinking.
Avoiding eye contact.
New routes.

You have somebody now.
I'm happy for you. I hope she's better.
Just because I want you to be happy, it doesn't mean I want you to care about me.
I want you stable and out of my life.

I don't care if you've changed at all.
You're still you.
And you were the one who did these things.
New person or not, you'll know that forever.





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