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On the Eve of War

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The beginning of September
Cool air filled the atmosphere
As the world shivered in excitement

A thunderous voice roared
Breaking the hesitant silence
Rallying it’s troops

We will not give up
We will be victorious
We will not rest

Newspapers scurried to break the news
Radios blared blazing headlines
But the writing was already on the wall

A mixture of sobs and sweat
The news stapled the permanent ink
Tattooing the unfortunate events



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codyabenbow This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 2, 2012 at 11:15 am
For the most part I really do like this poem. However, to add more emotion, you should show us the emotion. Don't just tell us there were tears. Tells us what they looked like, what people looked like. Make it easier to relate to. The line "It was already written on the wall" was amazing. Try to use more lines like that, more symbolic. Symbolism adds power. The more you make us think, it has to make sense though, the better.
 
SarasotaWonder said...
Dec. 19, 2011 at 2:34 pm
Great job with the emotion in this piece....I really feel like I AM there at the eve of the war. Also, I really like the splitting of the piece using the "We..." stanza....Overall it has a nice format, rythmn, and beat and I enjoyed reading it. :)
 
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