My Soul's Shadow

November 3, 2011
By ILoveTurtles PLATINUM, Redding, California
ILoveTurtles PLATINUM, Redding, California
31 articles 0 photos 2 comments

My shattered soul is merely a reflection of the shadows that bind me to your soul. After losing you I was sure I would never breathe the same air or sing the same notes. My heart will never beat on the same rhythm as when you made my heart beat faster. My life has never been normal but when you changed my soul, I knew instantly I would never be able to live without you. Just before the sun was rising I sensed your presence and I stepped out to greet you.......

The sun burned warmly on my almost transparent skin. My permanent grimace being removed as the sun slowly started warming my heart, as the ice melted off my heart I saw you standing before me with open arms. I hesitated thinking it was only a mirage, a figment of my dark imagination. All the love I had ever known was in your arms.

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This article has 2 comments.

on Nov. 30 2011 at 6:50 pm
Resonating_Words SILVER, Dallas, Texas
5 articles 10 photos 87 comments

This is good -- if you could omit some needless repition it could be better. (e.g. excessive use of my heart and beat in this line... "My heart will never beat on the same rhythm as when you made my heart beat faster."). Really, that's my main issue. You do it a few times, either in the same line or line to line. Like the first line, I'm not feeling the use of the word soul twice in the same sentence.

Also, it may be short, but that isn't so much a problem as its lack of resolution. It's abrupt and open. Occasionally this isn't so bad, but because you cut off in the middle of what I interpretted to be the climaxing of the story, if you will, it takes away from the poem. 

This may just be my own preferences, but the melo-drama is too much for me. I don't question the sincerity of it, but I point out the cliche-ness of some of your lines. Again, it tales away from the effectiveness of your story.

PS: You only need three dots, just a personal pet-peeve of mine that isn't really a big deal.

on Nov. 30 2011 at 6:42 pm
Prometheus PLATINUM, East Aurora, New York
29 articles 0 photos 109 comments
Excellent writing... however, I think this could be longer.  The end is a bit abrupt.


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