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It hurts to remember
I brushed past you today
I don’t think you noticed
I was walking down by that park
You know the one
We used to sit there on our favorite blanket
The one with all the stars on it,
Of how we’d always be friends
Of how we’d never abandon each other
I guess dreams are just that
Something to hope for.
When I saw you,
By the park
You were with your boyfriend
The boy we always thought about
The one we knew we could never have
I guess we were wrong
You have him now
You know the one
You were walking hand in hand
the laugh you only did with me
You said it was too conspicuous
I guess that doesn’t matter now,
you laughed it for him
Anyway, I was on my to the coffee shop
Our favorite café
The one where you always said we looked sophisticated drinking our hot chocolates,
pretending they were cappuccinos
The one we would work at one day
Wiping our coffee stained hands on our little white aprons
When we were there you would always order
Two small hot chocolates, and two tea sandwiches, please.
You would say with all your confidence
Two, there was always two of everything
One for each of us, those girls
The ones never apart.
While you ordered I went to grab our favorite spot
The cozy corner with the warmly lit lamps
Still they ask me, the librarians, parents, waiters,
Where’s your friend?
What has she been up to?
Do I look like I know? I think to myself
We’ve all been so busy lately, I haven’t seen her too much.
I lie, pretending like we’re still close
like we’re still those two silly little girls attached at the hip.
When I got to our café I ordered a cappuccino
Yeah, that’s what I get now, a cappuccino. Not one of those silly hot chocolates we thought so highly of.
I sat down and pulled out my book
To Kill a Mockingbird,
and no, I’m not reading it for school. That’s what they all ask.
Are girls of my age not allowed to be literary? I want to scream in their faces.
Soon after I got there
To our little café
You and your boyfriend arrived
He went up to the register to put in your order
And you gave the register lady the evil eye
Telling her he’s yours
You sit down at that spot
The one we called ours
I’m not too far away
Close enough to talk to you without shouting
You only look my way and nod
I nod back and sigh, not knowing how you could be so rude
I know, I know, I tell myself. I’ve past this, I’m past questioning our friendship, and have excepted that there’s no going back.
I’m too strong to have you pick me back up after dropping me off for those other girls,
you know the ones
You don’t have that power over me anymore. I’m durable,
like that rain coat you had,
the one that always kept the water out,
It was blue, the color you loved because it made your eyes pop,
Your boyfriend comes over to you,
the boy we always dreamt of
he kisses you on the cheek and sits across from you
he looks at me and smiles
I smile back, unsure of his friendliness
You sit there laughing and talking to each other
I stay put, with the company of Scout and Jem
before I can’t take it any longer,
your giggles and witty remarks
I get up to leave,
Thanking Evelyn, my favorite waitress at our favorite café for the delicious cappuccino, or two,
I can’t remember now
And walk out the door.
remembering all those times
the times when nothing could tear us apart
the times when not even me and my orange pocket books, and comics, and tutus bothered you. The moments when we were who we were and nothing could take that away.
It hurts to remember,
but I don’t want to forget.