In This Moment

October 11, 2011
After the door shuts and the footsteps die,
I’ll sit alone in the armchair by the window
Smelling your cologne in the air from your red plaid shirt
That’s still slung over the bedpost behind me,
Because you won’t need to wear it for a while.

I’ll squeeze my eyes shut,
Trying to hold onto the feeling of your arms around me,
Your warm breath on my hair as you kiss the top of my head.
I’ll be determined not to let the tears leak out,
Pretending it’s the pollen on the windowsill,
And not that I’m not strong enough.

I’ll think about the coming months.
Whether you’ll be able to call me on my birthday,
Where you’ll be on our anniversary,
If you’ll be able to come back for Christmas
So I won’t have to stare at your presents sitting under the tree,
Curled up with a blanket and a box of tissues on the couch.

I’ll pull out my phone
And open the picture of us we took last week at the beach,
And I’ll stare at it for a while,
Half a smile on my face,
Able to forget for a moment you won’t be coming home tonight.

And when I can’t stop the tears from dripping,
I’ll put on your plaid shirt,
And curl into a ball in the armchair,
Smelling you around me,
And if I close my eyes, maybe it will feel like you’re there with me.

I’ll picture the way you looked when you left,
Your feather light golden hair slipping through my fingers
As I tucked it behind your ear,
Your warm palm resting on my cheek,
Your green eyes shining the color of the leaves outside the window
As you pretend it’s the pollen, too,
To convince yourself you’ll be strong enough to pull away
And walk through the door.

I’ll remember the tenderness in your kiss
As you held me one last time
And whispered promises in my ear

And I’ll let myself cry, and I’ll wrap your shirt around me,
And through the tears I’ll smile at the sun because I’ll know you can see it, too, wherever you are.

But for this moment,
I keep the tears inside and cling to your shoulders
Because I know when you let go, half my heart will leave with you.
I know that when you start to pull away,
Your warmth will disappear and I’ll begin to shatter,
And I’ll smile even though I feel like I’m drowning
Because I know you’ll want to stay in this embrace as much as I want you to never leave,
But I can’t ask that of you.

In a moment,
I’ll kiss you for the last time
And I’ll have to hold myself together until you walk out the door,
Because I can’t let the pieces fall until you’re gone.

In a moment,
We’ll have to say a goodbye as painful as death itself,
But in this moment,
I’m in your arms,
And that’s all that matters.





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