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Secrets

You’re still my dad.
You will always be my dad.
You will always love me.
But our relationship is changed,
It will never be the same.
You think everything’s fine,
You don’t realize I know your secrets,
But I do.
And you can’t take them back.

Sunday morning my mom
Told me things about you,
About what you did with your friends
In college, about what you did
When you were married,
She thought I was old enough to know.
I was old enough, I deserved to know.

She stopped cooking fried potatoes
And eggs and bacon,
At first I thought I was getting in trouble,
The delicious smell of the half-made breakfast
Behind her was all I was really thinking about.
Then, she told me.
She told me stories that changed my view of you forever.
I watched her lips moving, forming words, I was silent.
At first I thought, hey it was college,
Everyone parties a little bit, right?
Then she told me it continued well after college,
In fact, it was still going on.

I stood there stock still, swaying slightly,
Absorbing everything she had said.
Tears welled in the corners of my eyes,
Waiting to be released, waiting to turn
My face blotchy and red with resent and hurt.

Murderous rage swirled through me.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to slap you.
I wanted you to feel what I was feeling,
Hurt, angry,
Disappointed,
But you weren’t there once again.
I felt as if a knife had slit my heart in half,
As if it was something I had done.
But then I felt powerless,
Because I knew it wasn’t my fault,
That there was nothing I could do to stop you.
So I cried, to let loose
All of the knots in my stomach,
All of the anger and resentment,
I cried to forget.
But I can’t,
I will never be able to.





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