Robot Life

October 25, 2011
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I'm so afraid ill never be able to really like anyone ever again
Much less love anyone at all
Especially as much as I loved you

I'm trying so hard to move on
So ****ing hard
I’ve tried everything
And I feel less when I hear your name
And I feel less when I listen to your songs
And I feel less when I think about you
But I still feel something
A sort of sad, resigned nostalgia
And I hate that

I wish I could erase you sometimes
Like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
God, a spotless mind.
A blank canvas
No painful furious upset resentful desperate sadness.
None of it.

Just blank.
Just white.
Just nothing of you.
No you and no us.
No scrapbook no songs no letters no poems no jewelry no sex
No heartwarming heartbreaking heartwrenching love
None of it.
No you.

But the worst thing of all is that I don’t really want that
And that’s what makes me the angriest
A piece of me wants to hold onto us
To hold onto that goddamn sadangryincredible love
To hold onto you
But not to hold you




And I just realized I don’t want to hold you anymore
Which makes me kind of sad
Because I loved you so incredibly much
So much more than I would ever tell you
Even though I told you a lot

And those three years,

Those three f***ing years

That I hated you and loved you and that were so full of emotion…
I just feel like my heart is so drained that it can’t fully function anymore
Like I’m just making up feelings for people every time I see any kind of opportunity to try and get over you

I'm living a robot life
No real emotions for anyone
Maybe not even you anymore

You did this to me.

And I just want my old self back
That’s all I want
I don’t want you
I don’t want us
I just want to be know that I will able to love someone else eventually,
Love someone soon,
And that someone else can love me again too.





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