Traitorous

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Saw the heart I drew yesterday on my wrist for love with a guy's first and last initials in it ... and I felt like a traitor... so instead of hot water my body needed I sat in cold water and thought... I thought deep and hard... I still feel like a traitor, on many levels to many people. So now, I guess I’m going to give up on crushing on guys because I’m not good enough for that. I’m a freak to guys unless they are my friend, some call me stalker, and others jump to conclusions that I like them because I want company and to talk to them. No one knows when I cry and I want to keep it that way. I read, and write, and draw... all to prove a point-I will survive, I will make it and I will outlast the expectations... the games are pointless anymore, I don't want to laugh, I don't want to cry, I don't want to smile, and I don't want to keep running the "happy" track for another mile. I don't want anyone to understand, I don't want anyone to care. people all around me do it all the time, so now it's my turn... but this is my vow: I will not turn to a blade, I will turn to music and ink, not visible to others, unless it's on my jeans. I will not cry in front of anyone, I will only smile until it's permitted for me to break down. I will act crazy to see who will stick around. Furthermore, I don't want to be called names unless they are meant in all truth and honesty; speak behind my back I won't care... I’m just another page fading with time, in an old history book no one wants to tackle, read, study, or take the time of day to look at. Everything is fading now, and nothing matters. the limits they set are to be broken, and then I will take a breath and fly; fly to where no one will care, and there is no society restrictions, with only one goal on my mind, but that is for me to know and none to find out...





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