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Infinite Illness (Part 2)

Do I appear as a drone
when I don't do as I'm told?
Do I present myself
as an opportunity of success
at first impression?
It could be
I've fallen so deep
into a depression
that I'm in denial
headed for progression.
It could be me
shedding the shell
I've been dealt
and it does me no good.
My past left me
entirely empty
and thanks to it
I feel nothing,
I see no one,
I hear silence.

I couldn't define myself
if the world depended on it.
I couldn't motivate myself
if a reckless train came my way.
At that moment
I'd have no choice
but to stand in it's path of destruction
and I'd be a crushed carcass.
I can't help but wonder
if the end is useless,
a nothingness
like the boundless universe,
just like me,
an Infinite Illness.

All the years before
I thought I had it right
spending hours of the night
under a desktop light.
I've been searching
in all the wrong places,
oblivious to the abandoned spaces
in the cavities of my
heart and head.
They were stretched across
my face,
my hands,
my paper
but a mirror can't reflect
an image of someone so dead.

I've been traveling too long
on this dead end road,
I know it so well
it's getting kind of old.
A suicidal circle with no hope to show
and I've been around and around
shutting the life in me down.
If I can find strength
to disregard all self-doubt
and let my trust stretch to Heaven
maybe I'd find the answer.

I need Truth,
I need Faith,
Sing to me
the Heavens
I've blocked
from my ears.
Let me become
the selfless person
who does not
give to get.
The selfless person who
gives to give.
From here on
I Listen to the Wise,
Gratify the Divine,
Forgive those that Hate,
Cure those that Hurt,
Respect Everything
and never
Expect Anything
in return.

There it will be,
the greatest question of all,
at the very end.
If I knew the meaning of life now
then I would have no reason to live,
so I'll trudge along
until I cease to breathe.





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