There is a battle raging inside me, although I am often unaware,
My own defense system fighting against me,
Every day I feel the pain of my white knights countering and fighting the wrong enemy,
Me,
My white knights fight against me,
Although I am doing no wrong,
I do not understand,
As I sit looking out the window,
I feel a wave of pain pass through like a knife,
I cringe and grit my teeth and wait for it to pass,
It is unending,
No matter how hard I clench my jaw the pain does not go away,
This is nothing new, it never does anyway,
I look out the window,
I see the clouds, sun, and the beautiful birds
How I wish I could fly,
Care free and ignorant to my problems,
My mother’s ringtone interrupts my daydream,
It’s time to go to my neurologist,
Back to reality,
Back to the blood tests, MRI’s, and needle sticks,
Back to the constant pain,
The constant doctor visits,
The constant consultations,
I hate the way doctors talk about you in the third person,
They act as if you are invisible,
They talk about you as if you were never in the room,
Often, I wish I could by as ignorant as they,
I wish I could ignore my pain,
The doctor says there is a hole in my spine,
I am not surprised,
I feel as if there has been a hole for the past year,
I don’t know what can fill this gap in my heart anymore,
They’ve taken away my life,
They’ve taken away my love,
Horseback riding,
It’s gone,
I cannot ride anymore,
My only coping mechanism,
Gone,
They can send me to as many doctors as they want,
It will fix nothing,
They say that my disease is one thing,
Then they call me again,
Tell me that it’s something else,
And we are at it again,
What medicine is it,
What can help me,
They don’t seem to be sure,
The most frightening thing is the unknown,
If I could just know,
It would be much easier,
But I am left in the dark,
Waiting for an answer,
They may heal my pain,
But they cannot mend my heart,
I can put on my plastic smile at school,
For the doctors,
For my teachers,
For my friends,
But it is never real,
If I am happy,
It is only for a moment,
I feel like I am in a pit of quicksand,
Sinking deeper and deeper,
Ever so slowly,
The more I fight back,
The more I try to pretend that my life is okay,
The slower I descend,
My reality is a dream I can never awaken from,
I can pretend,
But I will never give up,
I have my dark days,
But I will keep fighting,
I will pull myself up from this endless pit,
And rise to this challenge and win,
I have dealt with this for one year,
And I will continue to fight until I can beat this enigma,
There is always darkness before the light,
I am living proof of that.