A Battle Inside Me

October 13, 2011
There is a battle raging inside me, although I am often unaware,
My own defense system fighting against me,
Every day I feel the pain of my white knights countering and fighting the wrong enemy,
My white knights fight against me,
Although I am doing no wrong,
I do not understand,
As I sit looking out the window,
I feel a wave of pain pass through like a knife,
I cringe and grit my teeth and wait for it to pass,
It is unending,
No matter how hard I clench my jaw the pain does not go away,
This is nothing new, it never does anyway,
I look out the window,
I see the clouds, sun, and the beautiful birds
How I wish I could fly,
Care free and ignorant to my problems,
My mother’s ringtone interrupts my daydream,
It’s time to go to my neurologist,
Back to reality,
Back to the blood tests, MRI’s, and needle sticks,
Back to the constant pain,
The constant doctor visits,
The constant consultations,
I hate the way doctors talk about you in the third person,
They act as if you are invisible,
They talk about you as if you were never in the room,
Often, I wish I could by as ignorant as they,
I wish I could ignore my pain,
The doctor says there is a hole in my spine,
I am not surprised,
I feel as if there has been a hole for the past year,
I don’t know what can fill this gap in my heart anymore,
They’ve taken away my life,
They’ve taken away my love,
Horseback riding,
It’s gone,
I cannot ride anymore,
My only coping mechanism,
They can send me to as many doctors as they want,
It will fix nothing,
They say that my disease is one thing,
Then they call me again,
Tell me that it’s something else,
And we are at it again,
What medicine is it,
What can help me,
They don’t seem to be sure,
The most frightening thing is the unknown,
If I could just know,
It would be much easier,
But I am left in the dark,
Waiting for an answer,
They may heal my pain,
But they cannot mend my heart,
I can put on my plastic smile at school,
For the doctors,
For my teachers,
For my friends,
But it is never real,
If I am happy,
It is only for a moment,
I feel like I am in a pit of quicksand,
Sinking deeper and deeper,
Ever so slowly,
The more I fight back,
The more I try to pretend that my life is okay,
The slower I descend,
My reality is a dream I can never awaken from,
I can pretend,
But I will never give up,
I have my dark days,
But I will keep fighting,
I will pull myself up from this endless pit,
And rise to this challenge and win,
I have dealt with this for one year,
And I will continue to fight until I can beat this enigma,
There is always darkness before the light,
I am living proof of that.

Join the Discussion

This article has 11 comments. Post your own now!

mackrider75365 said...
Dec. 30, 2011 at 10:49 am
hey guys. just an update---i am getting better gradually. we have come to a final diagnosis. RA, Fibromyalgia, Chiari 1 Malformation, and a syrnx in the spinal column(I will not even begin to try to spell the fancy medical term for it. they have decided that surgery is not necessary. the docs have prescribed a few medications. a few neuropathic things, a sleep aid, along with my RA meds. Unfortunately there really is nothing they can do for me. it is a sit and wait. thank you all so mu... (more »)
mackrider75365 said...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:19 am
please comment!
mackrider75365 said...
Oct. 18, 2011 at 1:50 pm
thanks to all of you!  make sure to check out my other essays and rate and comment please!
30seconds2earth_O.o said...
Oct. 18, 2011 at 1:24 pm
Very beautiful poem. Keep fighting. 
Metaphor said...
Oct. 17, 2011 at 8:18 pm
A beautiful representation of very real, tangible pain. Thank you for sharing this.
Greenpaw said...
Oct. 17, 2011 at 1:50 am
Keep fighting dude. Good work!
mackrider75365 said...
Oct. 16, 2011 at 6:57 am
Thanks for all of your support!  
tennisstar said...
Oct. 16, 2011 at 3:04 am
Very emotional! I love the symbols you used like the white knights. I have type 1 diabetes and while I don't have the exact same pain or problem, I still felt like I related to this poem. Beautifully done and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Lizette said...
Oct. 15, 2011 at 9:48 pm
i loved how honest you were and how you didn't ryhm to make it go....it just worked on its on! great job:) i hope you find what you need soon!  i'll be cheering for you!:)
duhast said...
Oct. 15, 2011 at 7:12 pm
I loved this please continue to write.
sasha1996 said...
Oct. 15, 2011 at 11:21 am

this is great and i hope all goes well. i spent a lot of time in a hospital with my baby brother who passed away in janurary. luckily he had excellent doctors and nurses.

i hope they figure out what it is and that you get better.

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