the art of smiling.

September 28, 2011
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I met,
I secretly wrote your name in the corners of my notebook,
I doodled hearts with our initials in them on my tests.

I spoke,
I imagined you saying the sweetest things back to me,
I dreamed of the different shapes your lips made when you laughed.

I admitted,
I began wondering if you were just like every other boy,
I started down the long road of convincing myself you weren’t.

I dated,
I finally got to feel the rough touch of your hand on my palms,
I fell down and watched you grin as you pulled me back up.

I kissed,
I declared to everyone in my head that you were mine forever,
I told you that I didn’t want to let you go.

I loved,
I gave you everything I ever had,
I let you take what you wanted because you I knew you’d give it back.

I held,
I adored as I studied your eyelashes fluttering while you slept beside me,
I gripped the strong muscles in your arm as you tensed in frustration.

I watched,
I gradually saw you evolve into someone I didn’t even know,
I steadily held on as you pulled away.

I believed,
I convinced me, myself, and I that you were telling the truth,
I repetitively scolded myself for planting the seed of doubt in my mind.

I slept,
I pressed the auto-pilot button and continued living that way,
I never considered this as your fault.

I dreamed,
I remembered the days of smiles and of happiness,
I missed the hunch of your shoulders when you tried not to laugh at me.

I wondered,
I thought things like if I kept of doing this, I’d never feel that way again.
I tried to tell myself again that you really did love me, that’s why you stayed.

I pretended,
I acted as though I was just fine,
I allowed everyone to just smile, wave, maybe say hello; walk away.

I realized,
I wanted you to be happy, no matter what.
I needed you to decide if being happy meant being with me.

I asked,
I questioned your love again,
I begged you to go.

I woke up.
I loved you enough to say goodbye first.

I am happy.

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scenesoccerqueen said...
Jan. 31, 2012 at 7:35 pm
Wow this is great! the emphasis the opening line of each phrase is indescribable! Awesome!
connsgirl This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Feb. 10, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Thanks so much :) i like being repetitive i guess haha :)
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