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Absorbing and Lying
I absorb every sad bit of news I hear.
I dwell on every depressing thing told to me.
I beat the air with my fists at every injustice,
And think back on the list of sad things that spins in my mind.
Then I can't bear to hear anymore. So I lie to myself and everyone else and pretend that I am uncaring.
I fight back tears and running away at every thought of how I've wronged you.
I get anxious at each mention of my injustices towards others.
I cut to distract with a greater pain than that of my lusting after the undeserving.
Then I can't bear to feel anymore. So I lie to myself and to you and pretend that I can run away by staying here.
I say "I'm sorry" in my head for all my injustices.
I try to do nice things to make it up to you.
I have nightmares every night since to make sure I don't forget,
And tell whoever will listen that I'm not who I'm cracked up to be.
Then I can't bear to listen to myself anymore. So I become convinced that no one wants to or should listen.
I let each second eat me alive.
I dive and dive and dive.
And I pretend that somehow this madness makes up for it all and that trying to live without the pain is what I deserve.
I vacillate between what I know is true and what I think is true;
Between what I want to be true and what I want to be true.
I beat the air with my fists and then circle back around to my body.
My sins are paid for; but I don't get to share that with you.
If there is ever a doubt: I feel every pain afresh and am always sorry. I cannot live otherwise because then I would be lying and I at least owe it to you to live in the pain.