Leaf: I’m old and dying. Pencil, take down my memoir.
Bottle: You have nothing to write about, leaf. Why make a memoir?
Leaf: Since I can you imbecile, shut your synthetic cap.
Pencil: Where would you like to start, you old decrepit plant?
Leaf: In the beginning was…
Pencil: Stop quoting the Bible, you great buffoon.
Leaf: Ha-ha, very funny. Take down my notes graphite boy!
Pencil: Yeah, yeah. Try to not idealize your life too much.
Leaf:
Once upon a time,
In a far away land was a plant
Whose male and female parts decided to make a baby.
They named him Oscar.
Oscar grew up to be a big, beefy, butch bush.
He got plenty of water from the gray drab skies of Pittsburgh where it precipitated frequently.
He learned to stand strong against the gusts of wind
Like a tacky plastic pink flamingo on a suburban lawn.
Oscar was now of age to marry and his parental plants fixed him up with a nice holly shrub.
She had succulent red berries, their rosy bountiful color made Oscar blush.
Oh and her beautiful green leaves so long that they went on for inches upon inches so long that they started to reach towards ground.
They decided to make a baby!
Yes, Oscar was a successful plant
Until his baby, Leaflet ? now much older than a baby, but Oscar being like any other parent always saw him as his little boy ?
Leaflet was a small leaf that was curled up into his cuticle.
Oscar always tried to get him to say hello to the world,
But Leaflet never would.
He would much rather stay in his shrubbery enclosure with his books and listen to emo music than
Play tag football with the other little leafs.
Oscar never understood his son, but he always accepted and loved him.
Leaflet swooped up, now away from Oscar, by a girl who snatched him up.
The girl, in a rush to get to intro to poetry class, quickly seized the leaf that she saw and grabbed it with such strength that the bush
Shook
Shook
Shook

And more leaves fell off from the blunt force of the tear.
Leaflet was now dying without his father’s nurture and support.
On his final day in the world he opened up, but not slowly enough since he acquired a laceration.
Leaflet cried but was astonished to know that he was happy,
Even though his death was upon him, he got to see the light.
Oscar could feel, now weeping from his son’s departure, only his son’s incredible pain.
This made him very angry!
However, what made him even more infuriated was the ripping off of
His prized possession ? Leaflet.
He called upon his friends Winda and Cloudious
To take away the sun and make it gust as much as they were able.
Oscar’s fury drove away the sun and made it cold.
To this day, Oscar yearns for his son to return to him; He misses Leaflet.
Oscar is hopelessly miserable without his son and cries himself to sleep every night.
He hopes one day that his son will roll back to him.
It has always precipitated since Oscar’s tears rolled from the cloud to the ground.
So whenever it is cold, gusting and precipitating outside and you begin to whine about it
Think of Oscar and how much he misses his son.