Just Friends

August 26, 2011
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I wanted more, when I drove away in the rain.
Every time I grow close to her, I freeze and die.
I speak to her sometimes, and tell her, “I’m sorry,
I couldn’t be better or sweeter, like other guys.
I’m just me: not a jock, not a hipster, only
A dork. And I’m fine with that. Sixteen’s a long time to live
Alone. Without you.” And every time I say this,
She doesn’t hear. Because all that comes out is my breath.
And that’s fine. But I wished I could kiss her and say,
“I’ve loved you since third grade,” when she needed a ride.
A ride home in the rain. But I didn’t, couldn’t,
Because I was sorry I wasn’t a jock, a hipster,
Or anything she knew. She was my stars and sea,
Which fill everything I know like honey in rye.
I froze and died in the cruel cold of my front seat.
In the rain, it is all cold, and we wanted more.

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Blue4 said...
Aug. 30, 2011 at 8:48 am

This is very sweet, I especially liked the lines "Sixteen's a long time to live/ Alone. Without you. And every time I say this,/ She doesn't hear. Because all that comes out is my breath." Simple and true, and finely worded. The only thing that makes me slightly uncomfortable is that you seem to use so many words. Try to leave out what you absolutely don't need to say. "A story is words in the best order, and poetry is the best words in the best order" or something like that...

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Dude123 replied...
Aug. 30, 2011 at 2:58 pm
yea, i tried to keep the 12-syllable thing alive by adding some unnecessary words.  better be careful that doesn't backfire
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