A Sometimes (Not Really) Sort of Me

August 10, 2011
By HatterMaddigan BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
HatterMaddigan BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Silence hangs
Hard for a few moments
Just after the call cuts out
The streaming reel of video
(my life narrowed down
To that little white-outlined
But behind my eyes
There hovers an image

Projected onto eyelids
Like a shining movie screen
(I can see that smile,
The way you happily waved
At me)
And the audio feed must be
Broken (I swore
I fixed that, yester
Because all I heard is
“good night, honey!” the
Words that you last spoke

The music comes on
(it seems like,
Out of nowhere)
But it’s all so strange;
Surreally muffled
I think things start
To loose their color
(dull away from any sharpness
In their qualities)
When you drop
Out of my life
(not gone, but
Gone from view)

I swore I wouldn’t
Write this
(I swore I wouldn’t
Swear, I swear I meant
To not, I meant to
Mean it, really!)
But words are only
So much air

I think intention
Is endlessly heavier
It weighs us in the soul-dimension
The sole account that counts
The way you choose to play
(it’s all in how you throw
The dice,
The why behind the way you
Play your cards)
It’s always motivation
That counts, not the final
Ending, not the what
Of all the decisions we’re making

I think that
When the smallness hit me
(square across the face, and
My eyes stung, like sand and smoke)
It wasn’t tears that I was crying
(It really just was loss)
Dripping on my cheeks
And catching on my chin
(I liked your fingertips better,
You must know that)
Exploring the round and concaves on my face
(flowing in the convex,
But I liked the kisses

But I blinked
Back the sudden battery
And sniff my way to silence
(just staring at that
Empty space)
I think I like
This kind of quiet better,
The way it lets me think
(even though you’re best of all,
I can feel the growing,
I can sense the ripple of strength
Within this change)
But do I have to like it?

I wonder if it
Mattered, if the man made
The choice (and did it with pleasure)
Or if it was grudging choosing that makes
All men
(but we know that answer,
Don’t we? Do we?)

I guess you never
Wondered, or you maybe
Saw it silent in my
Eyes, and never said
(I couldn’t blame you,
In the end)
But that’s not even
A righteous end

The end is when
The lights go off,
And everything is cold
The end is when I
Miss you,
And there’s nothing left,
Just (emptiness) left to hold

I guess that’s what I’m
Saying, I guess that’s the end of
This small and sometimes
(really just a forethought)
Word-wasted beginning

I guess I’m still
Just pondering
(but you still hover
In my mind)
The way that (only)
Me is both light and heavy
(bright and darkness)
The way I’m me (a little)
Both with you and without you
(But I still wonder,
What is it
that changed?)

The author's comments:
Written for my beloved. It's a long distance relationship right now, and we talk, usually, using web cams. This was written about a melancholy, but thoughtful goodbye and goodnight that I didn't want to say, because he had something else to do.

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