Judgment of the Judgee

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I have a label
Stapled to my forehead
In a language everyone can read
But no one the same

I have skin
The color of milk
I'm often teased of being vampiric
But I love the way
A black hand looks
When it's twined with mine
Like an Oreo

I have blonde hair
People say that makes me dumb
But I say there's more red
So fear my temper

I have brown eyes
Flat and uninteresting
People think they are pretty
Hidden behind colored contacts
I think they look like chocolate

I have thin lips
So I am very fair
Beauty is a feature I sadly lack
Though I have a figure
Full and well-rounded
Everyone looks first at my face

I have a mountain
In the form of a belly
Growing and bulging
With my unborn son
People give me angry stares
As though I have somehow insulted
them with my existence
As though I have some horrible
disease

I have life in my skin
Silver-violet rivers
In and around my belly button
No blood flows forth from me now

I have a heart
That is often ignored
And left on the shelf for people
to stare at
And interpret
Like some cells beneath a
microscope

I have a mind
That I would like to speak
To everyone around me who will
listen
I want to tell them,
"I am human still."
"I have feelings still."
"I am not a whore or a slut."

But they will never listen
Because they believe what they
are told
That I am going to hell
That my baby is an abomination
That I am not worth their time
Or worth anything on the floor
But I am

I smile with every kick I feel
I cry with every heartbreak
I can still feel pain
If someone throws something at me
And I can still feel anger
When I receive their lingering
stares

I have a soul
That I believe in wholeheartedly
I have a religion
In which my God is a woman
I have a thought of living
I have the instinct for survival
I had someone I loved
Someone I would've died for
Someone that I lied to
To protect the someone they didn't
know
I had someone I lost
To the prejudices of the world
Someone who could've been a father
But in my eyes will always be a
coward
I had someone I cared for
More than life itself

But that someone left me
In anger
He chose to walk away
He broke my heart before he left
Rubbed it in the dust
He took our memories
And made them a lie

But I am stronger than that
I can still stand up and walk away
And I did
Though everyday I see him
And am reminded of what we did
And everyday I see him
I see my lies upon his chin
His hands held in anger
His eyes so full of hate
He reminds me of another
Who shared a similar fate

I still walk calmly
I still try not to cry
I still stay grounded
Book and hands down at my side
But when I see him laugh
Even though I didn't put it there
And when I see him smile
When he thinks I'm looking away
And when I see his face light up
And shift away from grey

I know he's better off
Living without me now
I know he needs a life his own
And I won't take that from him

I pray he'll find another
Though the pain I would feel
And I pray he'll say he loves her
More than life itself
So that I know he's moved on
And I can forgive myself
But I'll think of him
Each time I see my son's eyes
Each time I see him smile
And I'll remember
How long ago...
I too was in love
Irrevocable
Undeniable
Unconditional
And I will carry our secret forever





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