Fallen on Forgotten St.

August 3, 2011
By Rayne GOLD, Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
Rayne GOLD, Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
17 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Chesnut curls
whip around her face
as she searches
dark alleys
and twisting country roads,
looking for her lost life.
She thought she left it
somewhere between
Betrayal St.
and Heartbreak Ave.,
but it's not there.
She shouts desperate questions
but passerbys don't care.
Alone in her search
she is frantic,
checking inside
garbage cans
and behind
vintage oak trees.
With a sick realization
she knows
her life is gone for good.
With no more will
to fight for her life
she collapses on the blacktop,
overcome with haunting resignation.
Cars full of heartless people
drive around the helpless girl
and continue without the consideration of stopping.
After long moments
of wearily lying unmoving,
she hears the light crunch
of footsteps moving closer.
She stared up in wonder
at a stranger
who offered his hand and a chance.
With joyous salt
streaming down her cheeks,
she gladly
accepted her life back
from the mysterious miracle
standing before her.



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This article has 4 comments.


on Sep. 9 2011 at 10:03 pm
Regs_the_Shorty GOLD, Frankfort, Illinois
13 articles 0 photos 129 comments

Favorite Quote:
There are people who finish what they start and.....

I agree with redhaircat and the ending really does make you think. No mistakes jumped out at me (5 stars). :)

on Sep. 2 2011 at 1:13 pm
redhairCat PLATINUM, Pebble Beach, California
47 articles 20 photos 411 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I can do anything!"

I love it! So creative and original! It carries quite a message! And who is that stranger? Death, a kind man, an angel, herself? Makes me think!

on Aug. 29 2011 at 4:28 pm
Sarahhhhhhh BRONZE, Malden, Massachusetts
4 articles 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence."
- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I'm going to have to agree with Elli about the street names, way too cliche. There are better and more original to say the same thing without a cheesy gimmick. You can do it :) 

 

Also, it's too long. De-clutter it, take out any word that is not achieving a specific purpose and it will be so much more succinct. Poetry is picking the most perfect words in the most perfect order and leaving everything else out. 

 

example: 

"and continue without the consideration of stopping" -- way too long and wordy for no reason. Find a way to work in that they are selfish for not stopping using really strong vivid words, but the fewer the better. Get what I'm saying?

 

Good luck, really good start :)


on Aug. 29 2011 at 3:43 pm
ohheyyyelli SILVER, Woonsocket, Rhode Island
5 articles 3 photos 178 comments
I think it's a great start, I love your vocab and the flow. One thing I don't like is the St. names, it's really cliche. I think the message is good. Overall it's a good poem, just needs a tiny bit of touching up.(:


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