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Fallen on Forgotten St.

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Chesnut curls
whip around her face
as she searches
dark alleys
and twisting country roads,
looking for her lost life.
She thought she left it
somewhere between
Betrayal St.
and Heartbreak Ave.,
but it's not there.
She shouts desperate questions
but passerbys don't care.
Alone in her search
she is frantic,
checking inside
garbage cans
and behind
vintage oak trees.
With a sick realization
she knows
her life is gone for good.
With no more will
to fight for her life
she collapses on the blacktop,
overcome with haunting resignation.
Cars full of heartless people
drive around the helpless girl
and continue without the consideration of stopping.
After long moments
of wearily lying unmoving,
she hears the light crunch
of footsteps moving closer.
She stared up in wonder
at a stranger
who offered his hand and a chance.
With joyous salt
streaming down her cheeks,
she gladly
accepted her life back
from the mysterious miracle
standing before her.





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Regs_the_Shorty said...
Sept. 9, 2011 at 10:03 pm
I agree with redhaircat and the ending really does make you think. No mistakes jumped out at me (5 stars). :)
 
redhairCatThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 2, 2011 at 1:13 pm
I love it! So creative and original! It carries quite a message! And who is that stranger? Death, a kind man, an angel, herself? Makes me think!
 
ohheyyyelli said...
Aug. 29, 2011 at 3:43 pm
I think it's a great start, I love your vocab and the flow. One thing I don't like is the St. names, it's really cliche. I think the message is good. Overall it's a good poem, just needs a tiny bit of touching up.(:
 
sarahology This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Aug. 29, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I'm going to have to agree with Elli about the street names, way too cliche. There are better and more original to say the same thing without a cheesy gimmick. You can do it :) 

 

Also, it's too long. De-clutter it, take out any word that is not achieving a specific purpose and it will be so much more succinct. Poetry is picking the most perfect words in the most perfect order and leaving everything else out. 

 

example: 

"and contin... (more »)

 
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