My Wonderland

August 9, 2011
By Brandywrote PLATINUM, San Jose, California
Brandywrote PLATINUM, San Jose, California
28 articles 10 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
“maybe I can help”

“Ah, yes, you want to be a writer don’t you?”

“You say that as if it’s a bad thing”

“No, no. just a lonely thing. Sometimes the world you create on the page seems more friendly than the lives in the world you actually live in.


One small feeling in a black abyss
I'm struggling to hold onto it.
Rabid animals are pulling me down,
Pushing me without a sound.
It's icy and dark in my wonderland
Just like I always wanted
But I was far too young to choose the fate that I've been granted.
There were no two paths in a wooded fall
But thousands of stumbling blocks in echoing halls
No on taking me away
Only letting my heart fall
If it fell it would have cracked and shattered and I'd be dead
Someone picked up my heart and pinned it to a wall
I'm sure that wall has been abandoned
Like its' windows and its' doors
And like the empty building
I can't seem to feel anymore
Only a dulled aching, simmering in my chest
Reminding me that summers heat is worse than he**s' best.

The author's comments:
be careful what you wish for.

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This article has 3 comments.


ephie said...
on Sep. 27 2011 at 8:06 pm
ephie, Orlando, Florida
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
Great poem. I get the message. I had to re-read the poem in order to see what you were trying to say. I'm sure you noticed the small spelling error (No on instead of No one)  I personally would have changed "Just like I always wanted" because it coincides with "But I was far to young to choose the fate that I've been granted" But that is my personal opinion

on Sep. 23 2011 at 6:02 pm
JustAnotherOwl SILVER, Unknown, New York
6 articles 0 photos 379 comments

Favorite Quote:
"See, we don't really care who you are;
Everyone is capable of looking up and wishing on a star.
So catch it, so contagious, this day-dreamer's disease,
And hope can be your sword, slaying darkness with belief."

"Sanctuary"- Paradise Fears

I really liked this! Especially:

 

"I'm sure that wall has been abandoned
Like its' windows and its' doors
And like the empty building
I can't seem to feel anymore"

I just thought that was really interesting and...I don't know, just something about it, I really loved.

 

I did really like this. Actually, what caugh my attention was the title of "My Wonderland" because I'm obsessed with Alice in Wonderland :) Ha. Anyway, great job! And I'm going to go read a few of your poems more..


on Sep. 19 2011 at 12:15 pm
Branden Navedo SILVER, Oklahoma, Maryland
5 articles 0 photos 17 comments

waaaiiit... I found an issue in one of your lines.

(I'm going to try to fix the errors and afterwards provide my opinion.)

"But I was far too young to choose the fate that I've been granted."

 

"I've been  granted" implies that the fate has been forced onto you. It's contradicting to say that you chose it yourself. Just pointing that out o= *reads the rest...*

"If it fell it would have cracked and shattered my skull* and I'd be dead"

Also you should take creative writing in high school :D

It's a lot of help.

My favorite lines were definitely from line 13-last line





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