Here's to you "dad"

August 6, 2011
From zero to five
You held my hand and didn’t mind
When I’d call you “daddy”
You simply smiled; it was an unspoken agreement,
The other kids had one.
I just wanted one to.
From five to seven
You started saying “no” more and more
And my mom had another kid,
It seemed by then that everyone called you dad
And that might have made me jealous
I wanted you to myself.
For you to remind me that you were proud of me.
From seven to nine
You were there, though I felt like I was fading.
I couldn’t understand the things being done to me,
At the same time I was scared to tell.
But you stopped seeming to interested in how my day went
From nine to fourteen,
You were there
But I was long lost.
My biggest fear was known and he was put in jail.
But I still never felt at home in my own home.
I knew inside I was changing, though I don’t know why,
From fourteen to sixteen ‘I struggled through life
While you faded from view,
Were you still there, even if I couldn’t see you?
I tried to escape my pain through smoking,
First cigarettes, then the pot,
Soon not even they could help me free myself.
So I took to drinkin and between all three
I escaped my nightmares for that night.
At sixteen I think that’s when I needed you the most
I cut the razor deeper and deeper.
And took each pill, I’d take my life and be free
But though I moved on and actually got the help I needed
When I was able to return home nothing was the same
You looked at me different
And that nearly broke me,
If you couldn’t forgive me, who could?
Then he came in my life
And stole my heart
Even though we could barely help each other we managed
To build together a life, a future with no drinks or smoke,
Just love and hope
. Now I’m nineteen and I’m not entirely grown.
You’re farther away than ever and I can’t say why.
I’m writing this from the heart,.
This is exactly how I feel.
I love you so much.
Yet through the years i no longer was interesting in
Watching you gut fish,
Or help in your dan,
Like the time I helped you put together the black hoop thing that hang your poles from the ceiling.
Those days all seem like a lifetime ago.
The mistakes I made seem to be held against me
For this my heart is breaking
I can’t change my past, but I did change my life
College now, first one in the family,
Even if it took me a while to get my GED,
I still got my life in the right direction,
So why does it have to feel like my family is far away?
From fourteen to eighteen
I know I’ve made mistakes,
But my past I cannot regret
It led me to Jason, my prince charming,
Brought me to college classes,
And a whole new light of hope
I’m not there has you read my words
And I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you next
But if nothing more is thought of this,
Remember that I love you.
That I miss you
And that I’m thinking of you.

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