Three Honest, Grey Truths

July 24, 2011
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First of all,
Let me apologize.
My intentions were not--are not--
What you seem to believe they are.
Your hand was mine to hold, you heart an open book
I took your hand. . .
And examined the cover.
When I realized what you wanted,
What it all


Meant
I dropped everything, and retreated far back in my
Selfish


Stupid


Fickle mind--
The only place I knew I could be safe.


Secondly,
Let me explain.
I may have played you--unintentionally, of course--
But my friendship belonged to you.
However, you didn’t see it quite so clearly.
When I couldn’t take the endless questions and jealousy,
I would sit.
And cry, fat tears rolling down my cheeks
That asked just one simple question--why?
When your constant requests to do something--
Anytime

Anywhere


Anyplace



Anything
Went from friendly to obsessive,
I would run.
Then think.
Was it really necessary to scare me like you did?

When the anger at finding out I didn’t wish to be more than friends
Sent you over the edge,
I sat down to think once more.
I remembered our better times together--
You making me laugh, me
Squirting Coke out of my nose like a fountain.
I remember
The sound of my laugh
When you poked me with that pencil.
What happened to those days??The carefree friendship
I would give

ANYTHING


to have again?

When you told me you were okay
“Just being friends” I was able to breathe again.
I thought we could return to the happier days of
What used to be.

I didn’t plan on a second wind to your obsession.
I thought we were past that stage.
Apparently not.

Finally,
Before we play this game of cat-and-mouse again,
There are three things you must know.

One: I am the world’s most insecure coward.

Two: I have never loved you.

Three: I don’t think I ever could.





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