An Update

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So much information it’s incredible
My intuitive engine can’t make it to full
On empty I run
Away from this
One
Final
Opportunity
I so fluently speak so truthfully of my sobriety
And so brutally you turned your brooding towards me
Cause father is hot and bothered and won’t speak and I won’t bother
To try anymore
Doors closed won’t open for my reprimanded head hoping
For some trust from a man who busts open bank accounts
With one woman walking in while he sends another walking out
But I persist un-smitten while people continue spitting at me
To write for the first time this summer
I
Don’t smoke weed anymore and my friends say
“Man what a bummer”
Sober for a year and a half for your information
Stationed in my brain is permanent hesitation
Fear of anything including decisions
My brain wears a chain mail for fear of being caught
Naked in the snow
In ultimate embarrassment as
I get caught trying to find my fix
By anyone it’d be just picking up broken sticks
Again
The first relapse
Is always the next one because you try and forget the rest
A permanent forgetter my AA counselor said
Is what’s been imprinted inside my brainwashed head
Brainwashed by therapists and rehabilitative specialists
I’m sober but I can’t talk to dad without clenching my fist
Hell he might even google me and see
This
And say all my pieces are lies
When was the last time he hit me leading to my cries?
“F*** you!”
“Leave my house!”
He’s just a pre-teened girl at heart afraid of the truth
In constant denial but consistently in the same phone booth
Calling my name
And ending the 1-word response conversations in accusations
“Are you insane?”
With a Phd, I’ve never met such an intelligent man with ideas so inane
I haven’t seen him since May or June
I can’t remember because I block it out
Post-traumatically stressed from my childhood
And I’m just repeating old pieces to keep my brain in tune
With my body
Making sure I’m not losing it like I’m in a fist fight against Rocky
But I haven’t written in a month and a half
And in that time, more than once I’ve almost relapsed
But I get over it each time and leave the situation just as sublime
As the one’s pantomiming
Real life
Sober I run from my stoner friends all of whom carry a knife
They never get in fights but it’s the new cool thing
But hey
I was just trying to make an update tonight





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