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Society of Mud
July 26, 2011
Before
the North Wind
could release
the red and orange
leaf
from the Ancient Oak
a selfish caterpillar
devoured its precious insides
and allowed the once-beautiful
red and orange
leaf
surrender, hopelessly,
to the cold earth
with no flower bed
to rest on.
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This article has 7 comments.
PhoenixCrossing GOLD said...
on Aug. 1 2011 at 4:54 pm
Thanks! I guess I didn't clarify that it was actually the remainders of the leaf that was left to fall, assuming the catepillar didn't consume the whole leaf.
thetruthawaits94 SILVER said...
on Aug. 1 2011 at 4:50 pm
i kind of agree with Eirias about the last bit of the poem. Isn't the leaf digesting in the stomach of the caterpillar now??? However, you wrote this beautifully, and that is the only part that is confusing. I really really like how you wrote this!
PhoenixCrossing GOLD said...
on Aug. 1 2011 at 4:48 pm
Thanks for the comment! The whole nature view is just huge symbolism for humans and how I felt after someone I really cared about put their trust in the wrong person. In this case, the leaf trusting the catepillar only to be betrayed. Haha, thanks!
PhoenixCrossing GOLD said...
on Aug. 1 2011 at 4:45 pm
Thanks for the comment! Again with the punctuation, I'll try it. With the vagueness of the poem, I guess it's the way it is so people can use more of their imagination and their emotions to fill the void. That's why i prefer shorter poems- to keep people thinking.
Again, I find it hard to offer specific criticism on the shapeless-ether poems without puntuation. That said, I would break the line after allowed. It wasn't clear whose insides the catarpillar was consuming. The wind's? The Oak's? The leaf's? Also it was a bit jarring from leaf-->surrender. I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Allowed the leaf TO surrender? ONe last thing: if the catarpillar is eating the leaf, wouldn't it be in maybe a "wet, dark place" inside its stomach, as opposed to the cold earth?Otherwise, it's good. Very peaceful and melancholy. I feel sorry for that poor leaf that has no real feelings. I like it! Next time, try playing around with puntuation. Then you can decide which one YOU prefer.
WiseGirl said...
on Aug. 1 2011 at 2:48 pm
Good job! I love the way it is written! I love that you described the caterpillar as selfish. Very nice!
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