Spots Before My Eyes

July 26, 2011
By IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven


If society is a web,
Then who is the spider?
A bird is pushed out of the nest
To be consumed by the world
Am I to become that bird?
That fledgling bird who feels the wind with it's wingtips for a short time until the ground is realized before it
Or will the earth accept it?
Will it forget to fall?


The author's comments:
Another 'afraid of growing up' poem. I've kinda gotten over that whole fear, I'm trying to get rid, let go of all my fears. I don't want to be tied down by such things. I have come to the conclusion that writing definitely helps :)

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This article has 30 comments.


on Dec. 27 2011 at 5:07 pm
PhoenixCrossing GOLD, Tinley Park, Illinois
14 articles 0 photos 179 comments
yeahh, i think that'd be creative!

on Dec. 27 2011 at 4:43 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

Dangit, that didn't work... Do you think the poem would look better of it built up to the really long line and then the lines got shorter after that?

on Dec. 27 2011 at 4:42 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

That's an interesting idea, thank you for commenting :) Do you think it would work better if it looked sorta like this?

on Dec. 25 2011 at 11:22 pm
PhoenixCrossing GOLD, Tinley Park, Illinois
14 articles 0 photos 179 comments
I really like the meaning and the content of this poem. The metaphors are great too. Only suggestion is breaking your longest line in half so it isn't awkwardly out of place, ya know?

on Oct. 31 2011 at 4:54 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

That's an interesting way to describe it, nobody's said that before.

on Oct. 31 2011 at 4:54 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

Thanks for reading and commenting :) I appreciate it.

on Oct. 30 2011 at 6:03 pm
wordjunkie BRONZE, Houston, Texas
1 article 0 photos 105 comments

Favorite Quote:
Those who say it can't be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.

I don't think you should lengthen it, it has a- it's too light to be called power I think- but maybe an undercurrent? that would be lost if you lengthened it. I like it and I definitly get the feeling that it is supposed to convey

on Oct. 20 2011 at 4:18 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

Yay! One person who doesn't want me to totally overhaul the whole thing! (Not like I really could, anyway...) 

Haha, I totally think I could have done better with this poem, punctuation is a good idea, and I kinda think I should have structured it better. 


leafy said...
on Oct. 19 2011 at 7:48 am
leafy, City, Other
0 articles 0 photos 682 comments

Favorite Quote:
Gil: I would like you to read my novel and get your opinion. 
Ernest Hemingway: I hate it. 
Gil: You haven't even read it yet. 
Ernest Hemingway: If it's bad, I'll hate it. If it's good, then I'll be envious and hate it even more. You don't want the opinion of another writer. 

Wow. I loved this poem so much! Very excellent, and I don't think you need to lengthen it, because it would probably take away some of its power. My only suggestion is to add punctuation in some of the lines that didn't have ?, but as I said, other than that. It's great ^_^

on Oct. 14 2011 at 4:39 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

You read it twice? :D That's one of the best things I've heard about this poem in particular! I'm very glad you liked it that well. 

 

As I've said before, I think this poem could have been better written, I should have structured it better, maybe built upon my feelings on the subject. 

Thanks :)


on Oct. 14 2011 at 3:29 am
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

Wow. I read this twice and I really love the kind of metaphoric feel you give to it. And others have already expressed this, but the emotion is done really well. It is a bit short, but I really liked it overall. Well done! :)

on Oct. 8 2011 at 4:16 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

Thanks for the feedback, I now rather think I should have structured it better, and I agree with you about writing more into it, it is rather disjointed overall. 

Thanks again :)

 


on Oct. 7 2011 at 10:54 pm
Love.Hate.Passion., Spring Valley, Illinois
0 articles 0 photos 356 comments

Favorite Quote:
~Hope. Faith. Love~
~Be proud of who you are.You are all unique in a different way.~
~I WILL NOT fade into oblivion , and become less than
a distant memory.~

This was emotional and I reciprocate that feeling of not wanting to grow up just yet. I certaintly like the poem , but it wasn't complete for me. I felt like you could have written more to it.

4*'s


on Sep. 30 2011 at 4:08 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

They really have to go together for me, though I realize that I could definitely structure it all better. It really is rather abrupt. 

on Sep. 30 2011 at 4:07 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

Yeah, I think I could have structured it better, there isn't any separation or leading onto between the spider part and the bird part. 

Le hannon, I am glad you took the time to read this. 


on Sep. 29 2011 at 9:55 pm
I liked the expression of your emotions, but it wasn't the best poem I've ever read....4/5

on Sep. 5 2011 at 12:48 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

Thanks :) That's just kinda how it started. I guess I was thinking of society being a trap, some enormous thing that can pull you in and cause you to lose yourself. 

Many thanks for the comment. 


julian GOLD said...
on Sep. 3 2011 at 8:25 pm
julian GOLD, Eugene, Oregon
17 articles 17 photos 223 comments

Favorite Quote:
The goal is not about living forever, the goal is about creating something that can.

Great job! I really enjoyed the way that you portrayed the struggles, fears and questions of growing up. And you managed to portray your message in a poetry format, not an easy thing to do by any standards. I do agree  with BrightBurningCampeador that the spider part doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. Maybe you could explain that to me? Anyways, I thought you did a splendid job with the poem. Keep up the great work!

on Sep. 2 2011 at 7:19 pm
IamtheshyStargirl PLATINUM, Lothlorien, Utah
44 articles 16 photos 2217 comments

Favorite Quote:
Boredom instigates extreme creativity.
~Amoniel

"Bowing gratefully to all of my subjects, 'thank you. Thank you. The pleasure is mine." Nah, I'm just kidding. We're all kings together.'"
~Thesilentraven

Nah, but thanks for the advice and the comment  :)

on Sep. 2 2011 at 7:05 pm
BrightBurningCampeador PLATINUM, Portland, Oregon
42 articles 11 photos 333 comments
I love the spider part and the bird part, but I don't really see how they go together. Maybe you could separate them into two poems.


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