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Spots Before My Eyes

If society is a web,
Then who is the spider?
A bird is pushed out of the nest
To be consumed by the world
Am I to become that bird?
That fledgling bird who feels the wind with it's wingtips for a short time until the ground is realized before it
Or will the earth accept it?
Will it forget to fall?





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MoraleAsh said...
Dec. 25, 2011 at 11:22 pm
I really like the meaning and the content of this poem. The metaphors are great too. Only suggestion is breaking your longest line in half so it isn't awkwardly out of place, ya know?
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Dec. 27, 2011 at 4:42 pm
That's an interesting idea, thank you for commenting :) Do you think it would work better if it looked sorta like this?
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Dec. 27, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Dangit, that didn't work... Do you think the poem would look better of it built up to the really long line and then the lines got shorter after that?
 
MoraleAsh replied...
Dec. 27, 2011 at 5:07 pm
yeahh, i think that'd be creative!
 
wordjunkieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 30, 2011 at 6:03 pm
I don't think you should lengthen it, it has a- it's too light to be called power I think- but maybe an undercurrent? that would be lost if you lengthened it. I like it and I definitly get the feeling that it is supposed to convey
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Thanks for reading and commenting :) I appreciate it.
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:54 pm
That's an interesting way to describe it, nobody's said that before.
 
leafyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 19, 2011 at 7:48 am
Wow. I loved this poem so much! Very excellent, and I don't think you need to lengthen it, because it would probably take away some of its power. My only suggestion is to add punctuation in some of the lines that didn't have ?, but as I said, other than that. It's great ^_^
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Oct. 20, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Yay! One person who doesn't want me to totally overhaul the whole thing! (Not like I really could, anyway...) 

Haha, I totally think I could have done better with this poem, punctuation is a good idea, and I kinda think I should have structured it better. 

 
Garnet77 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 14, 2011 at 3:29 am
Wow. I read this twice and I really love the kind of metaphoric feel you give to it. And others have already expressed this, but the emotion is done really well. It is a bit short, but I really liked it overall. Well done! :)
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Oct. 14, 2011 at 4:39 pm

You read it twice? :D That's one of the best things I've heard about this poem in particular! I'm very glad you liked it that well. 

 

As I've said before, I think this poem could have been better written, I should have structured it better, maybe built upon my feelings on the subject. 

Thanks :)

 
Love.Hate.Passion. said...
Oct. 7, 2011 at 10:54 pm

This was emotional and I reciprocate that feeling of not wanting to grow up just yet. I certaintly like the poem , but it wasn't complete for me. I felt like you could have written more to it.

4*'s

 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Oct. 8, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Thanks for the feedback, I now rather think I should have structured it better, and I agree with you about writing more into it, it is rather disjointed overall. 

Thanks again :)

 

 
DaughterofEvil said...
Sept. 29, 2011 at 9:55 pm
I liked the expression of your emotions, but it wasn't the best poem I've ever read....4/5
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Sept. 30, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Yeah, I think I could have structured it better, there isn't any separation or leading onto between the spider part and the bird part. 

Le hannon, I am glad you took the time to read this. 

 
julian This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 3, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Great job! I really enjoyed the way that you portrayed the struggles, fears and questions of growing up. And you managed to portray your message in a poetry format, not an easy thing to do by any standards. I do agree  with BrightBurningCampeador that the spider part doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. Maybe you could explain that to me? Anyways, I thought you did a splendid job with the poem. Keep up the great work!
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Sept. 5, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Thanks :) That's just kinda how it started. I guess I was thinking of society being a trap, some enormous thing that can pull you in and cause you to lose yourself. 

Many thanks for the comment. 

 
BrightBurningCampeador This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 2, 2011 at 7:05 pm
I love the spider part and the bird part, but I don't really see how they go together. Maybe you could separate them into two poems.
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Sept. 2, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Nah, but thanks for the advice and the comment  :)
 
IamtheshyStargirl replied...
Sept. 30, 2011 at 4:08 pm
They really have to go together for me, though I realize that I could definitely structure it all better. It really is rather abrupt. 
 
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