Driving lessons

July 17, 2011
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When I was only yay high, I was the apple of your eye
"Daddy's Little Girl", besides Mom and Bro, the precious gem in your world
I wanted to be just.. like.. you Daddy
But sadly, time did it's thing and this father-daughter relationship had become disconnected
When I was 10, distance became the biggest factor when you made Mom and I move to Stockton
'Cause I knew my brother had his school, you and your job and--
I understand you had to do what you had to do
But without the two most important men present in my life
I started to feel like fool
And I know you visited every weekend but we short circuited
Our friendship, I know you tried to nurture it
I know some people live their whole lives without a mom or dad
I know in this case, it wasn't the worst but I still felt like I had it bad
104 out of the 365 days your presence was shown
For only 28.5 percent of my life per year for the past 6 years you've witnessed my growth
But where the hell did you come from claimin' you know the rest of my 71.5 percent?
Wanting to be just.. like.. you. See now that I can't perfect.
You wonder how we got to this point
It's 'cause our ideas and views no longer conjoined
You want to know the real me? No frontin'?
See I'm not that little girl anymore who used to sing bible songs
Seemed like such an angel 'cause I barely ever did wrong
Yeah, I know I've distanced myself from Jesus
And I know the reason why you converted from Catholicism to Christianity was to be emotionally strong enough to please us
But Dad, why does religion seem to have so many rules and regulations?
I believe in God but you made me feel like there was an existence of moral segregation
When all I want for him to see is my heart
'Cause my life is art
I'm painting my canvas with legitimacy
You never understood the fact that I was just strictly doin' me
Dad, I like makeup but you say it's fake-up
But 'cause it was your genetics that I would get made-up
I know this beauty shouldn't be external
But you don't witness this beauty that's internal
Yes I know I do bad things that don't justify my reasons
But I've changed over the seasons
Giving you enough reason to clip off my angel wings--
But I am good nonetheless
Now I know I haven't been the best
But I am still your daughter
And you're forever my father
So why don't you see me for who I am rather than who you want me to be?
I know I disobeyed
'Cause I wondered how you had the final say
When you only wanted every aspect of me to be your way?
My justifications are nothing to you
Just because you think I'm "of the world", you assume my love isn't true?
I know the struggles you deal with are bigger than what you can handle
But the flame that you carry will instantly melt the candles--
That we've worked hard to make and mold
And as our story unfolds, I was told
"Over my dead body."
So you want me to want you to die
Before I can look you in the eyes-- and tell you:
I'm getting a tattoo, my tongue is pierced, I've popped pills, I hit weed from the bong,
I still can't break up with Nick Atine, I get drunk, I wear thongs?
I've shoplifted because we can't afford,
I doubt the Lord
I want breast implants, I hate your genetics
And when it comes to the world, I'm of it.
When you get mad at me, this heat takes over like energy that's kinetic
I sin, I cave into temptation
I've had suicidal contemplation
I'm not so sure that I'll find my way into heaven
I thought you were a hypocrite, at some point I despised you
I fed lies to you..
I will never be good enough to be your little girl again
'Cause I'm so full of s*** and in front of you I pretend
I don't deserve it, but is it too late for God to send me an answer?
I'm a disastrous disease, you claim I've already killed you like a cancer
See, my intentions to hurt you are the last thing in my mind
Unlike a diamond, I'm not divine or refined
All I ever wanted to do was make you proud
Just so you would announce it, maybe preach it, out loud
But I fail and in my life it's like I let the devil prevail
'Cause even though 28.5% of the time
Growing up without you, I've learned that the absence of my gratitude was such a crime
I'm realizin' now that even though you only knew your daughter 28.5 percent,
I only knew just as much about you as that and maybe that's why sometimes I tend to resent
But don't blame yourself, you do what you could, you did your best
It's just that growing up without you, I've been through a lot of life's tests
I'm sorry I had been driving down this one way street straight into my own selfish state of mind
My angst, I'm trying to control it, trying to settle it in recline
'Cause Dad, your love is merciful and unconditional
And I know that I'm driving this live with my L's provisional
I don't know much of you and you don't know much of me
But I will always love you with everything I've got. Let's get that bond again, and set this bitterness free
We just need to reacquaint so our kinship will fail to taint
Even though you expect too much of what I ain't
I'm still forever your daughter
I will constantly put that in perspective 'cause this blood is thicker than water.

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