Slower To Heal

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Shadows encompass me

Almost reassuringly,

As if to tell me

The loneliness will subside.

I am scraping to get by,

Still Limping from the break,

The one that should have mended by now

But haunts me even when I’m

Wide awake.

I am slower to heal

From this catastrophe I feel

This entire process still seems

So unreal

Because I am the one

Slower to heal.



The battle scene is still occupied

There’s blood on my hands

And I torture myself,

Try to force myself

To make you understand

That I’m a wound that won’t scab,

A compass without its beloved map

And every direction I go

Leaves me fading to black.

But I still crawl

And even then I still fall

I know it’s not good enough yet,

I keep hitting that brick wall,

But I will continue to hit it

Until I’m black in blue

Even though I’m slower to heal

Then he, she, they,

You.



Believing seems so deceiving

To me sometimes,

Just like the moments where

It doesn’t seem right to fight the fight

But I get back up,

Try again in my own time.

And maybe I’m not that diamond in the rough

Who can ever restore her shine

And that’s OK

As long as I’m no longer a prisoner

Of my own mind.

Because the solitude has a personality

That I can’t control

And it eats away at me, leaving chronic emptiness

That no one can console,

The darkness, the pain

It sits in the center of my heart

Like a giant black hole,

And I’m trying, I’m trying

To win back my soul.



So pick me up and set me down

I’ll lick the wounds that you’ll reveal

But they get worse

Before they get better

I am slower

So much slower to heal.



Compassion, persistence

Mix it with my fearful resistance,

Patience and kindness

Are a dangerous thing because I’m

Prone to selective-blindness,

And trust? Trust?

I barely know what it means

And love? Love

Who could love me?

You do.

I don’t think you realize

Love is also a wound,

One that’s the most painful and deep,

One that can cause deprivation of sleep,

So powerful it brings you to your knees,

So rare and so hard to believe and

So feared because you never want it to leave.

I never want it to leave.



Having you care is

Ripping my heart apart all over again

So the pieces will fit the right way

And misery will end

But this, for me

Is the most painful ordeal

Because I am so unusually,

Painfully

Slower to heal.





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