Painful Mind

July 9, 2011
I want to die.
No reason to be alive.
I’m so lost inside.
There’s nowhere left to hide.
I will just let the tears flow.
I just want to go ahead and let go.
What worth do I have when I can’t do anything right?
I’m not good enough and I am done with that tonight.
I want to die.
Down deep inside,
I’m already dying.
I tried and still am trying.
I know where the pills are, they aren’t hidden from me.
It would be so easy to set my spirit free.
Nobody needs me to stay alive, I’m just a burden.
The pain may be speaking, but at least you can be sure I’m hurtin’.
I wanted to be all you wanted, but kept failing.
The screams, shouts, the endless wailing,
More than I can take and I don’t think I want to try.
Again, and again I will fail and just begin to wonder why.
I am so done and just want to cry.
They all forgot about me.
No one else is allowed to see.
You say I don’t love you or care.
I do, you just are never there to see.
You say “You don’t appreciate me!”
I just want to die.
Take me away tonight.
I’m giving up this fight.
The darkness hides the light.
I’m dying!
The little lives around me keep my heart pumping.
But I feel the stabs still inside the endless, painful thumping.
You don’t know what you did.
At least, that’s what you said.
My friends are there, but can they actually know?
I guess not if I’m so guarded and never actually show.
They got no clue I’m actually this bad.
If they saw me this unfaithful I’d be unmanageably sad.
Another fail. Not a big surprise.
Maybe I’d seem more real if they heard a human’s cries.
They’re too good for me and I should be more strong.
This is so unhealthy, ugh I feel so wrong.
God is my only guide.
He is the only thing that doesn’t leave my side.
Even though I hurt and even though I cry.
I know I will be stronger if I don’t first die.
I want to come out better, but right now I feel alone.
I need someone beside me, someone’s hand to hold.
I will get through,
Ending up brand new.
Showing battle scars and that I can get far.
But right now I just want to cry.
Not needing death, just asking why.

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