My Fear

July 8, 2011
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Standing on the hexagon of a stage that was set up
In the center
People staring and that is when I think about running
I keep my cool and finally recollect my lost nerves
Instrument in my right and book in my left
As I place the book on the stand and raise it to desired level,
The top of the stand comes off
All confidence seemed to have been blown away as I hear scattered chuckling amongst the gymnasium
I look at the door thinking about my chances
Then I walk off get another stand and try to gather whatever is left of any will still there
Again that moment before
Mom and Dad in the front row smiling
Friends giving encouraging faces
As I take another attempt at the stand, a part of me hopes it breaks again so I can leave
But no I flip to the right page
Nod to the sound guy
And now I prepare for yet another task
After practicing for a good two hours before hand I felt a bit confident
But I guess I dozed and missed the crucial first note
My heart sank immediately and could feel my face getting as red and hot as the sun
I still hit the second note and kept going
It was as soon as I got into rhythm that everything around me just became quiet
Any doubts beforehand just faded away
Maybe a slip here or there but none of it mattered
Not until I realized that the song was almost over and I had no plan on what to do after that
When the last note began to ring I looked up
I saw nothing but clapping and some proud faces
But considering that I’ve never done anything of that magnitude
I instantly ran off and found my corner to keep from passing out
I was there maybe five minutes before I attempted getting up
I walk over to my friends
First thing I see was a look of confusion
I didn’t know what it was until they pointed out how white and sick I looked
Laughing it off I walk to my parents and their smiling faces reassure me that I wasn’t a total fool up there
Next I come to terms that I have one more thing on stage
It’s just a human video not that big of a deal
The fact that I was still recovering didn’t help though
After about five or seven minutes our group walks up in one straight line
Of course I was in front…..
It all goes smoothly and everyone claps and cheers
Some of the kids giggle at the awkward position I am in
But it doesn’t matter this was a group thing and we did it to near perfection
Now while I may never fully get over my fear of public speaking or a solo
Maybe, just maybe it will get easier
But I won’t know unless I keep going after it and put God in charge
Then and only then will I have a chance

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