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What never was...

By , Lakeland, FL
There's this hole in my heart that i try to cover with a smile.



It holds a pain so deep iv reached the peak of denial.



I can tuck away the pain but one can only hide for so long.



Yea this hole can be filled but nothing will ever really belong.



It hurts because i miss hI'm to the point of pure emptiness.

He was my hero for so long then he became so emotionless.

I looked up to hI'm, i saw the world in his eyes.

But slowly with tI'me like everything else he began to fall apart...

this he Denise.

He made it out he was suppose to fly free.

He gave up his demons finally bought hI'm to his knees.

Even then i had hope, i prayed and i cried.

I needed hI'm to go on but it was pointless, years ago he had died.

Again and again i tried to gain what i lost.

But tI'me and tI'me after that my heart was consumed by layers of

frost.

I became numb i didn't know what to feel.

It wasn't his fault i told myself, just give hI'm tI'me to heal.

Fate threw hI'm in a world that lead hI'm astray.

Then like lightning my world was destroyed by bolts of gray.

God said F*CK YOU and took hI'm away for years.

Leaving me empty i cried a million tI'mes...drained by heart

broken tears.

From then on i was cold i bled to heal the pain.

But it didn't work no matter how close to the vain.

I screamed but i had no voice, i ran but i couldn't move.

I was trapped bined by chains i couldn't remove.

I loved hI'm like i loved the others, but he was my shield.

Because of hI'm this scar has never healed.

He wasn't there when i needed hI'm most.

Memories of hI'm faded like those of a ghost.

Every tI'me we speak i have this strong feeling.

Sad, angry, hurt, lost all mixed..I'm tired of dealing.

I cry and i feel so weak, pathetic, useless......a waist of life.

Why cant i be like hI'm? brave, smart...strong?

Because I'm stupid, useless, trash...a creation gone wrong.

Useless because i couldn't help them when they needed me. useless because i still cant help them.

Like a doll i just sit here and watch as they fall. I sit here and complain about needing them

but its my fault because i couldn't be strong for them. I couldn't take care of them. I couldn't protect them

none of them.

i just sat back and watched my brothers fall

I couldn't save them because i couldn't save myself

...........i could never save myself





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