I stand looking around me at the sullen faces the silence ever invading. I blink back the thought of crying and bite back the fear and everlasting sadness. I stand there gazing at the people around me then I look forward and see the casket. The mourner’s words dissipate as if they had no meaning. Then I can no longer look at the casket. I can no longer stare at the person that is no longer there. No longer stand the silence. Then it comes out in a rush of tears. A rush of endearing sadness and pain and heartfelt emotion come forth and present itself to the others around me. How could this have happened? How could I have not even known that this would happen? Memories flood back into my mind; my grandmas treat cups, her dog, her parties for New Years, and her workplace. All memories that bring back horror even as I venture upon the thinking, the sound of them echo in my mind. My grandma’s voice, her soothing voice with her slightly Italian accent wishing me a good nights sleep. Her telling me to brush my teeth good and well so I wouldn’t have dentures like she did. I cry hard and long in mourning of the sweetest and most down to earth woman I knew. My step mom comforts me as tears roll down my cheek ever so rapidly faster. What had I last said to my grandma? When had I last seen her? These thoughts bring forth more frustration and more sadness. How could not remember? Then slowly people move to their cars. Through the blur of my tears I see my parents slowly guiding me to the car. As I get in the car I painstakingly bite back the tears and realize my grandma would have wanted me to think of her and not to be sad but to just think about her. Could I do that? Could I live with the thought of never knowing what I last said to her? Well I would find out in short time as I drove back home unhappiness around me like I was emitting a cloud of it. No one would see this except my family. The ones who truly love me and many who loved my wonderful grandma and her treat cups. She is up there I know it I thought, and she will be watching over me for the rest of my life even if I didn’t realize it at certain times. She will give me strength and help through rough times. My grandma.
Echoes without a voice
June 21, 2011