Losing Meeno

June 17, 2011
Why hadn't I called?
Why didn't I ever write?
I would have never expected that her life would end tonight.
So sudden, too soon
Everything else feels so vain and futile
I can't eat, I can't sleep...everything is meaningless
We were so close, yet we had fallen apart
I can never make things right
She's gone
Her life ended tonight
It was a bad fall, her brain couldn't handle it
They tell me that she wouldn't of felt anything
but I feel no comfort
I'll never be the same
as I sit here crying over my keyboard thinking about my dear, dear "Meeno"
the name I had given her when I was two, because I couldn't say grandma, Grandma Sue
My Dad, Aunt, and Uncle are all grieving for their mother, her husband, my Pappy lost his significant other
I remember Christmases and Thanksgivings, 4th of July's all the summers I spent in Ohio...I never left her side,
we'd play go fish and always laugh when the narwhal card came up, because it's just such a funny looking animal!
I can do nothing, nothing but cry
She loved "I Love Lucy" and Tom Jones, and the little candy I would find half off as I walked to Big Lots
She would wake up, have her tea, then turn on Regis & Kelly
I wonder if she ever thought of me
It's been years since we've spoken, and it will forever remain this way
We'd eat spaghetti every Sunday, it was her Italian way
I guess this is what it feels like to lose someone, I cry every five minutes, then I stop, think of her and cry again
my mom says time is the only way to heal, but right now I don't even want to feel
It feels like I've been raped of a certain part of me, one that will never reappear
She was going downstairs to the basement, just like every other day of her life...was it to get a can of green beans?...or to check the laundry?...did she know that it would be her last steps?
I try to remember, but memories fade
I can still see her chair where she sat, to the left of her there would be every catalog imaginable...packages will still be arriving at the door for her, despite the fact that she's gone...to the right there would be a bag of popcorn from Dollar Tree
This is my first experience with losing a close relative, she was my Meeno, I mean for God's sake I named her, everyone called her "Meeno" all because of me, and towards the end we didn't even speak
She was a breast cancer survivor, she was healthy...a fall? She fell? How can this be?
Her life wasn't always that great, she held on to things that led to bitterness, my mom always said that miserable people live forever...well I like to think that she got happy...
she finally was happy...
she is happy...
I can be happy

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