The Letter I Can Never Send ...

May 31, 2011
By , Charlotte, NC
Some days I go to sleep in my head and you wanna know what I see ? I flashback to those days where it was you and me . what happened dad , where did I go wrong? All I ever did was sit in your arms. I was so young and so pure. I followed you around like you were my savior. Because , you know , you were dad .You were my savior and role model , I was always glued to your hip, and I aspired to be just like you. To me looking up you were cool , so what happened dad ? what made you do it? Why wasn’t I all you ever needed and I know that sounds selfish but was it worth it - was it worth missing your daughter grow up just to have two extras for “re-trys” ? now slow your roll I tell myself cause that’s not right, they are wonderful children not “re-trys” ,I just don’t get it and maybe I never will , but dad I was sitting a waiting for you to come home , no scratch that I was a baby . a baby that needed you , and where were you ? well i'd rather not say, oh and by the way I never told you im gay. But that’s not the topic of this plea for your attention, it has a bigger purpose, a very clear intention . Do u remember all those mornings working with the newspapers , I’d be tired in the station wagon as we delivered papers all over town. Even though I couldn't help I always went , and do you know why? I went because you were there , I would have followed you anywhere. And then came that day , the day you brought me and Trevor in your room so early in the morning . you looked at me smiling at you and you shed a tear , why dad ? why did you cry ? why act like you were sad to tell us that you were more than just "OUR" dad ? you looked me in the eye and then turned away as you quietly told us about you in your younger days . I was naïve I couldn’t do the math . I never realized I had a cheater for a dad. Was she that special ? that pretty ? that good? Dad I need to know, what was in your head when you were layin I that bed ? the next night Trevor sat me down and he probably said the truest things ever to touch my ears but “THEY WERE BETTER THAN US” is all I could hear . what could I have done to make you stay home? You never reaized that I blamed myself . I know its ridiculous to think its my fault but you know what I feel dad? I feel second rate and never good enough . but that’s my fault for not thinking right but its been 7 years now and the feeling hasn’t changed , im still half a girl broken n tamed. But I put up a good front , its the cover you made me create . I made myself a promise the day you told us your dirty lil secret , you wanna know what it is ? it's that I will never let u see me broken from this . until I can face it with out tears in my eyes, this letter will just go with no reply. Hey daddy I love you , I really truly do. but you lost me the day , you left me .

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