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Secrets

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Secrets waiting
Tip of tongue

Secrets yearning
Fresh and young

Secrets dusty
Creased and aged

Secrets prisoned
Cold and caged

Secrets darkened
Shadows know

Secrets many
Whispered so

Secret hiding
In your eye

I saw it once
And it saw I



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WithPenAndScript said...
Aug. 9, 2011 at 10:54 am
I really like the rhymeyness of teh poem but the last line qith the eye is what stumps me. You could have rhymes "eye" with bye, try, my, sigh, lie...etc etc. Besides teh last line i really liked it
 
Eirias said...
Aug. 3, 2011 at 11:45 am

Haha! This is awesome. It's completely natural and has almost no hiccups.

My only problems: Stanza 7 has "secret," when all the othe stanzas have "secrets." I would add puntuation at the end of each stanza. And a dash at the second to last line,so it would read:

 

I saw it once--

And it saw I.

 

Also, the "I" isn't working for me. For one, it's not grammatically correct (I is the direct object, so it should be in objective form--aka: me). Se... (more »)

 
TwasBrilling replied...
Aug. 3, 2011 at 8:24 pm
Being very grammatically harsh myself I understand where you are coming from about the "I". However, in this case I decided to put rhyme over grammar. Thanks for the advice though! It's nice to have some critisism every once and a while.
 
betweenyouandi said...
Aug. 2, 2011 at 7:33 pm
The word choice in this poem was fantastic! I was very into this, very vivid detail for such short lines.
 
FreedomIsMyVirtue said...
Aug. 2, 2011 at 7:22 pm
I love how to couplets can say many things with two words in each line... Keep it up! :)
 
GangstaEyes This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 2, 2011 at 10:03 am
Love it! Your rhyming and flow feel effortless, and of that I am jealous :P
 
ams98 said...
Aug. 1, 2011 at 7:49 pm
GREAT JOB!!! i love itr:)))
 
JerseyGirl716 said...
Aug. 1, 2011 at 5:56 pm
I really, really loved it! The flow was PERFECT! Great job :)
 
ohheyyyelli said...
Aug. 1, 2011 at 10:33 am
The flow is great, and the meaning is amazing too. You are a really talented writer!
 
redhairCat This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 31, 2011 at 12:51 pm
This poem has a great pace and is very catchy! I like the way you wrote it. Keep it up!
 
Raytheraym said...
Jul. 27, 2011 at 1:28 am
Very nicely done! :)
 
CarolynQ said...
Jul. 27, 2011 at 12:00 am
Well written, you've got some serious talent. I like your ryhmes they don't sound forced and they fit very nicely.
 
NinjaGirl This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm
I like the short lines and stanzas. Nice job :)
 
blitsnik said...
Jul. 26, 2011 at 8:20 am

I like how you kept it flowing and found good rhymes. it was great, and a pleasure to read. 5 stars.

 

 
.Izzy.This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 25, 2011 at 11:22 am
I LOVED THIS! Very intriguing. 5 stars, though it is worthy of 6.
 
Hazel-daisy This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 25, 2011 at 10:28 am
i really like this!! i love how it rhymes and the way its a mysterious ending, good job! :)
 
shadowrider said...
Jul. 24, 2011 at 11:23 pm
I absolutely LOVE this poem! The rhythm and rhyming are amazing and wonderful! The theme is great! Wonderful idea and wonderful imaginings! Great job!
 
thetruthawaits94 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 24, 2011 at 10:45 pm
I love the rhyming in this! and the two lined stanzas were very interesting and unique. Cool, I like it! :D
 
gigi01 said...
Jul. 24, 2011 at 10:21 pm
Great job!! very good rythem and flow... and great word choice, each very powerful... wonderful overall
 
hanging_girl_666This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 23, 2011 at 5:39 pm
I love how original it is and how it rymed. I  love the flow. I read it like 5 times.
 
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