I Have no Further Inclinations to Love Again

June 20, 2011
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Some nights, I get out of bed in my shorts and sleepwalk my way to my car.
I crank it up, cut the radio off, and head out to a place that isn’t too far.
I take the dirt road and turn the corner up the hill where no one can see
And lay on my hood with my arms stretched, wishing you were here with me.

Forever is an odd monster.
People use the term for how long they will love, or the amount of time it will take for them to make that mistake again. Insight into an insightful mind will reveal the truth behind such a simple word. Always, no matter what, and eternity are other words that are burned into my mind.

With those words, you became Frankenstein. You took a simple verse and intertwined it with so much meaning that no person would ever be able to find honesty in it. They could only find fire. A fiery passion that engulfs everything it touches.

Speaking of fire, I remember speaking to our counselor after everything happened. I asked him why we couldn’t have been together yet still been close to everyone else. He looked at me, smiled, and said, “In all honesty, what you had was love. But sometimes a good cooking stove gets so hot that no one can even be around it and that is when you have to cut the power or start cooking. You were ready to cook, while she wasn’t.” I never thought I would find so much meaning in a sentence that I had heard so many times before. But I suppose hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it?

I’ve made so many wishes since then, but during the slew of 11:11s, 12:34s, Shooting stars and wishing wells, I forgot the reason why I started all of this in the beginning. I lost my reasoning and started wishing that I could go Coldplay and Fix You or you would go all Rod Stewart and Baby Come Home. I was wishing for the wrong things in all of the right places. What I should have been wishing for hurts me deep. It makes me realize that I truly have finally lost you (and my sanity). I have never given up on fighting for anything in my entire life and I am giving up on fighting for you right here, and right now. And all of these people are my witness.

I wish you find happiness.
I wish that you find love.
I wish that you can go through life without the bad days that I could never make better.
I wish that you can find someone who can fight for you the way I never could.
I hope that you are happy.
I hope that you never give up.
I hope you find your reason for reason and never forget me.
I hope that you dance when that last song comes on.
I pray that no one ever tells you who you are.
I pray that I am forced to decline your happy wedding invitations.
I pray that life doesn’t pass you by too quickly.
I pray that you still somewhere have a place in your heart for me, the same way that my entire soul will be dedicated to you.

The scars that paint my heart were written with your name.
Moving forward at the constant pace, but we're no longer playing the same game.
You have taken everything that I took for granted every time I touched you.
And to think, all of this started with the simplest, most confusing three words, I Love You.

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