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Surviving Gym for Dummies

By , Wilbraham, MA
I stand eyes affixed on the night sky above me, the cool ocean breeze misting my smooth, tanned skin,
As a dolphin, flips gracefully into the air before me his show accented by the striated glimpse of pastels fading below the horizon,
I am his sole audience, entranced by his agility and ease,
The pure, breathtaking, ocean waves reach up to greet me bathing me in their glory.

In an instant the night sky takes on the color of rust, orange fibers tinted with just the slightest band of red,
Dizziness, Pain, Blood, embarrassment flooding your swollen cheeks,
I am falling, crash, collapse, I’m down,
Faint whispers fill the empty silence, “We’ve lost one coach!” “Is she still alive?” “No you dope, did you see how hard that thing hit her? She’s a goner!”

That was 1st grade and yet the memory of that fateful day will stay with me forever,
And so I would advise you to listen closely,
GYM IS DANGEROUS,
And so you must know how to protect yourself.

Standing still makes you immobile there fore leaving you open to be targeted,
Be sure to move around as though an ice skater swirling across the newly finished ice creating the allusion that you are trying,
Keep your eyes focused at all times on the enemy, for like preying shark sniffing around for fresh blood, one whiff of fear will send them into attack mode,
Surround yourself as though guarded on all sides by a bullet proof steel bunker.

Coaches are children not adults, this is the most important fact of all,
In the heat of the game, one will not simply stop to attend to their injured student,
They will instead trample over you with their followers, a herd of African mountain lions suffocating your already broken frame,
Lie you will, your face plastered against the cold, hard tile floor until a kind underclassman takes pity on you and helps you stand.

So please I beg of you do not take these truths lightly,
Follow my lead and protect yourself from the fury of gym class,
Fold your clothes up nicely place them back in your tiny, stench filled locker,
And run for your life, no one is safe.





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