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I feel like a whole burst of white traps me. It takes me in and
bleeds me until I'm dry. Making me do things and say things
I honestly don't want to do or say. But that white I feel it take over.
It's almost suffocating
and sometimes even necessary
because otherwise
people question me.

In an instant I may drop to grey
quiet sweet grey
that pleasant feeling I love.
But it's not where I usually am.

It's not where people typically see me
They see me in white. Yet to me, white's painful.
White is loud and overbearing.
White screams in my ear: LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!
And I let it out. Unless blue becomes too much.

Unless it becomes a sea. A sea of blue that I can't control
A sea of blue that washes over me leaving me famished.
Leaving me breathless and hopeless. A sea of blue that is only cured
with a nice dosage of red. But I can't.

Because red hurts everyone else. I can't fall into the pits of red.
That deep crimson which almost ruined my life.
So long ago. So I am succumbed to white.
After being so starved by the blue. The blue that drowns me
is sorrow. I crave and hunger for something better.
Something that can quench the thirst, the need for extreme.
And at that moment white swoops in before grey can even creep along.

Poor grey. It sits in the background waiting for
those days where white and blue, are too weak to bring me down.
Those evenings when white and blue tire from being
at War within my body.

Grey is my salvation. Boring grey.
I live for those moments. Those moments of sanity.
Sanity, sanctuary, serenity, whatever you call it.
It's the time when I feel at peace, a peace others don't seem to see
as peace.
They see it as, that ugly blue.

Sadly, when grey is gone it's so hard to say goodbye.
But I can't do anything about it.
Because when Blue and White, force me into submission, I cannot fight back.
I've tried, it hurts. It confuses me, makes me unfit to be around.
I can't let people see me like that. Crazed and deranged.

Want to know what it's like switching from white to blue, to barely realize grey?
No, you honestly don't. You never f***ing want to know.
All I want is beautiful grey.
All I want is beautiful boring grey.



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