Dear Eating Disorder,

May 12, 2011
What the hell, I thought
you were dead. I thought
we had that conversation,
that delocation.
I thought we came apart

You still find me in my everyday
thought, cancel the recovery
you never brought,
the relapse. [I see that]
But can't walk away, can't
escape my own mind, make a lie
on a dime, [like I know you can]
You eat up who I am inside
Stomp, [present tense]
on my morals, beliefs, on my
name, tell me it's all
just a game, one I'll win in the end
[you primised. I hate this.]
try to stick me in this tiny box,
impossibly emanciated, timelessly
debated, no one fits in there
(tisk tisk, too fat to fit, in,
fine don't stay thin, then you'll
have nothing.)
You convince me that if I think about it,
focus all my energy on how others see me,
[only with their eyes], if I achieve
what they want to see
(What you SHOULD be, but failed
to achieve. Like everything else
that you do.)
I tell you I want to focus on school,
relationships, on NOT making my mother
cry herself to sleep,
because her daugher won't eat.

I want to be DONE with you
(No you don't. You're nothing without me,
a seamless float, you have nothing else.)
I can't pull myself away from you,
you blue devil, my right-shoulder
voice. I guess you're still here.

[You can all say
I told you so now...]

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bethanyvreeve This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 5, 2012 at 3:47 am
I love this so much. I totally relate!
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