May 12, 2011
By AraceliJasmin GOLD, Cicero, Illinois
AraceliJasmin GOLD, Cicero, Illinois
10 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Too late what's the point of changing now? Why just because you feel guilty, well you should. I cant believe it, you actually have a conscience.Surprising how you finally realized your mistake. You wonder why I don't accept this "new" you , well that's no surprise.
After all the years of torture you made me live, how do i know this isn't one of your twisted little games? You know what , I bet you cant even believe it yourself. You literally focused every second on making me suffer. Figuring out new ways of pain to inflict upon me. You brOKe me into a thousand pieces. How do you plan on fixing that? Its sad really , how i cant think of a single day in which you truly cared about me. You're the reason why I can't be happy. Which is why when I can escape your grasp I will transform into a different me. Well I'm not sure but i will try. Everything I ever did was never good enough. In your eyes I will always be a failure. Did you ever consider me your daughter? Just cause you gave birth to me didn't give you the right to crush my dreams , hopes, will, to strip away, chip away at my self esteem. A mothers supposed to nurture not torture her child. You made me into what I've become, you toOK away my dignity and stomped on it. You would pick me up by my hair and throw me to the wall. I'd be whI'mpering , begging you to stop but u ignored all the cries. Punching me in the face, kicks to my ribs. You told me to stop crying or you would keep hitting me. I learned to bottle up my emotions and be a cold hearted person.I've been in my own prison I cant escape. I've been alone all this tI'me and you only made things worse. I wish I could say that all this was a lie but i don't think I'll forget any of this until the day i die. This was only a little taste of my bitter childhood. I envy those who have good parents. When i was little all i wanted was to make you proud. I thought i could but now i realize i cant. You are brOKen so you brOKe me now we are both brOKen. I will feel much better once its out in the open. But this is the thing i don't understand why did u only hurt me? You have 2 other children and you treated them better. My sister , my brother they love you so much. But why not me? Oh yeah, that's right i loOK just like my father. You hate hI'm so you toOK it out on me. I paid for his mistakes. Guess what? He hurt me too. Do you know what its like to loOK in the mirror and see hI'm stare back? I deal with that everyday. He hurt us with all the drinking he did. He toOK away my innocence. When i was 4 he came into the shower and made me do things i regret. I was so little i didn't know any better. That too I will never forget. The past haunts me and is poisoning my future. Every tI'me you try to talk to me I walk away and lock myself in my room. I don't have nothing to say to you. I wish I could have wOKen up and it had all been a dream. I tried to blend in but i just stood out. I was tired of being lonely , sick of being afraid . I wanted to be able to be OKay. I wanted to feel good to be understood. I was always beaten mistreated. Then you my "sweet" would think you weren't wrong one bit when all you did is hit? To you that was a normal everyday thing then you would wonder why I'm so messed up. When i was hurting you'd say "shut up" I never got support but from you i could always get hurt. You thought it was all a game. You messed with my mind. you messed with my brain that's why I'll never be the same.You brOKe my spirit , I was so innocent but now I'm not. You pretend it never happened you don't want to hear it. Its OK the guilt will haunt you forever. You cant ignore that , nope never.Now the tables have turned to my advantage. How come now that I'm older you don't dare to even loOK at me the wrong way what is that ...... nothing to say? That's right you know its true so now what are you going to do?I had to worry about what excuse i had to use for that bruise on my arm from all the abuse? When it was 80 degrees I would be wearing long sleeves. I know its hard to believe but I'm not trying to deceive. I toOK the tI'me to write you this letter and the day that you read it i will feel a lot better.You say I can only fail and end up i jail. How can you say that to me? That is right this isn't a typical family on t.v. When i was younger you would beat me and told me not to cry and if i did i would get comforting blows to the face. You say I'm a disgrace, that I'm out of place? Let me ask you what are you? I am so confused you don't care.. Its not fair you always bring up my mistakes. Really , what do i have to do to make you happy, what does it take? I have talents like my father but they remind you of hI'm so you don't even bother. Anything you could get your hands on was a weapon to you. A belt , a broom a shoe. I still remember when u hit me with my boot. You punched me in the face, a fat lip is what i got you think i forgot?You don't beat me physically anymore but you still verbally assault me.Now i realize that these experiences have only made me stronger. You want me to show you love of a regular daughter and mother but i cant. You want me to hug you and kiss you but i wont. You get mad and say that you are trying but in reality you don't when will you realize that I'm crying inside that I'm slowly dying? Don't you see that I'm hurt you make me feel like dirt? Cant you get that through your head? But, all you hear is your own voice instead. Please listen don't shout, you know what this is about. I cant take it no more so i slam the door. Much better now in my own little world. "Because I'm your mother" I hear your voice in my head. Because you are my "mother" you were allowed to take out your frustrations out on me and beat me until you got tired? I close my eyes and remember how i used to protect myself from you. I would shield my face because that's the first place you would aI'm for. I would wear two shirts , hide your belt. Play dead, bite my lip until it bled. Hold my knees up to my head hold in my cries wipe my tears so you couldn't see them close my eyes. All of this didn't stop you all i accomplished was i softened the blows but a beating was always reserved just for me. According to you i was supposed to just let you hit me and not cry. To lay on the floor silently, smiling while i did what you told me? Mother please stop , Thud I'd drop to the ground that's where i could always be found. Every step i take makes my brOKen heart ache. I'm not sure how much more i can take. I am a fighter my heavy heart is becoming lighter. I am still here living in fear let me make this clear I'll only say this once because of the way i was treated thanks to you mother i feel defeated.

The author's comments:
Childhood experiences

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