The last time I saw him he didn’t seem like a mess. Head held high, smiles and laughter. And yet, something was missing. I looked at him like parts of him seemed to vanish, but yet it goes unnoticed to me, to anyone. The sun soaked into me giving me the feeling of home. Happiness flows out of me like water calmly flowing free from a fountain. There’s nothing like that feeling, the feeling of being completely happy, at complete peace with yourself. All of that is gone now, that place I called “home” is now cold; bitter. I feel as my insides are trying to reach out and scream, but each time in instead grabs a hold of my throat, swelling till it goes to hide in its dark, thoughtless cave. Yet still creeps out to be noticed on the cloudiest days when the sun hides in the shadows and the rain falls like tears on the pavement. I can recall that night like it was a few hours ago when the phone rang. Nothing fazed me. This sound; this scene was completely normal, until-
I watched in slow motion the woman who raised me fall to her knees. Fear stuck through my spine like I just got shot with a straight on bullet of reality. I could only watch, I could only watch the disbelief in her eyes. I lay there that night, every minute feeling like a lifetime. My tears fall and soak into my pillow, as my thoughts do in my head. Anger and sadness play tug of war in and I don’t know how to feel. I think of him laying there so cold; his fear consuming his body; till all his thought are gone. The thoughts make my stomach tense and each knot grows tighter and tighter. I think everyday how different things would be if I just got that last good bye. I feel as if my thoughts will never be free and I never again will be completely happy, at complete peace with myself, until one day again I see his shining face.