I'm Actually Yours

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I

Lying here
All alone in the dark,
Time slips by
Takes me back to the start
I still recall
That Summer Day in June
That dusty children’s playground
The day I first met you...

We were young
So much younger than today,
But you still managed
To steal my heart away
I still recall
The sun and how it shined
Lit up those gorgeous eyes,
Like pretty firework lights...

I was only eight and you were only nine,
You thought you were smarter, but you didn’t read the signs
‘Cause who was the one first playing with words
Making up stories and writing verse?
But if truth be told they were all about you –
That little boy on that day in June,
You were bigger than me then, and you sure still are
And you’re still my best mate and shiny star.

But I didn’t know then that
I’m actually yours.

II

Seven years
And I’m lying in your arms
You hold me tight
I listen to your heart
Just another summer’s day
Spent with you
So much has changed now
But still not me - not you

Music played
Somewhere in the sun set
You smiled at me
And I blushed that time our eyes met
The sky is blue
And oh...the sun is gold
Reminds me of a sky in June
That never will grow old

But the way that you kissed, it terrified me,
I’m not as grown up as I pretend to be.
I was a little girl, afraid of love,
Afraid of falling for you, then my heart spilling blood
So I hit the ground, ran away, and cried
And you weren’t there for me, so when you were I lied.
I always wanted you back – I was never ok
But I still flinched at your touch – what did you expect me to say?

Even so, I thought to myself
I’m actually yours.

III

A year’s gone by
And I am still alone,
I met another boy
But he left me on my own
And as I curl up
Under the white sheets of my bed,
I close my eyes
But I can’t seem to get you out my head.

I replay the day
Only passed last week
Like nothing had changed
In the way we used to speak
I teased you
And you – you laughed at me
I can’t help thinking
This is how it’s supposed to be

I can’t deny I still feel the spark
The fire that lit and left its mark
But could I really go back and try again
Go and compromise my best friend
And can you tell how you make me feel?
Just looking at you, I know this is real
But that scares me most, my deepest fears
So I’ll smile, and breathe and hope it disappears

Can’t believe it’s taken me a year to realise
I’m actually yours.

IV

I fall into
An oddly coloured daydream
Of what if I
Was to hide the truth completely?
You’d be almost
Nineteen years old by now
On my eighteenth birthday
When the whole world came around

You bought me a charm
For my silver bracelet
Right next to the heart -
My boyfriend saved to buy it
But I still wish that gold heart
Was from you
A promise and statement,
Tells everyone that I belong to you

The party goes on all night long,
Everyone dancing while they’re playing our song,
And at the end of the night, you’re the one there,
While I’m chucking up drink, you’re holding my hair
The boyfriends gone home left me with a kiss
Clearing the house up he’d rather miss
And when I’m too drunk to stop the spin in my head
You’re the one who carries me up to my bed

And all the while I’m mumbling
I’m actually yours.

V

Years fly by
And we’re sitting in a cafe
Can’t you see
Just how much this makes me happy?
We laugh and joke
Like nothings ever changed
Everyone’s so much older now
Yet we are still the same

But then you break down
And I hold you tight
Your girlfriend left
After a fight last night
It seems you and me - we were both
Living lies
A boyfriend and a girlfriend
Who never heard our cries

So I let you cry, here in my arms,
Tell you all those things that cure broken hearts,
Thinking all the time what kind of girl
Would hurt the greatest guy in the world?
I tell you all the things that you need to hear
“There’s a girl out there, waiting to appear”
I never betted on it being true
But two months later I’m meeting her with you

I guess this isn’t the best time to say
I’m actually yours

VI


I’m finding it
Hard to get the words out
It’s your wedding day
But I’m not the one about to walk out
Of the huge oak doors
At the back of this room
Walking down the aisle
On my way to you

She’s like a dream
A vision of pure white
But I look at you
And it’s you who is the sight
I’ve never seen you smile
Like you are today
The irony is it’s that grin
That takes my breathe away

I’m finding it hard, not to cry
This is killing me, I’m not gonna lie
But today is the best day of your life
And only for that reason, this doesn’t stab like a knife
Just to see you smile like that, that’s enough
You the king of my world, the man that I love
All I want is for your dreams to come true
It never really mattered if I wasn’t with you.

So I prevent myself from saying
I’m actually yours

VII


Godmother
To your little girl
She opens up the door
Gives her party dress a whirl
I pick her up
Hold her in my arms
Yes, she got those eyes
Never failed to stop my heart

You come down the hall
Drown me in your bear hug
It’s been a while
Since both of us have caught up
And your pretty wife
Gives me a hug and kiss
Still going on about that shopping spree
To be honest I’d rather miss

‘Cause it’s you that, I came to see
Wherever you are, I want to be
You’ve got a lovely wife I can’t ignore
But if I had my way, I’d be living outside your door
I guess it’s hard for her – your best mates a girl
Anyone would hate that in the whole of the world
But to be honest with you, I think it’s harder for me
Seeing you with the woman, I was supposed to be

And did I forget to mention?
I’m actually yours

VIII

Life flies by
Like a bird in these daydreams
We’re growing old
Following Christmases and Birthdays
But we’re bigger kids than,
We ever were before
You still have that boyish charm
I always will adore

Your wife shakes her head
Hates it when you tease me
But she shouldn’t worry
I always get you back completely
She thinks we’re a bad influence
On the kids
I can’t argue but
The chance to make you laugh I’d never miss

All of our lives we followed our dreams
We both got where we wanted to be
I’m getting paid for playing with words
You have so much cash; you don’t even need to work
In fact the only thing I never got was you
Yet here we are, so is that really true?
Every week, we talk on the phone,
We must’ve met in every cafe for a laugh and a moan

Just one for cafe I could have said
I’m actually yours

IX

And then it’s all gone
I’m still lying here
Alone in bed
It’s still been a year
Since were both kids
Fooling around
Which means you not married,
No wife, no kids, no house

So why do I cry
Silent tears in the dark
I guess daydreams
Really do leave their mark
Because I’ve never before
Been this confused
And I really don’t know
What to do

You see here’s the thing, I’m in love with you
And you never seem to work it out, no matter what I do
It goes over your head when it’s the clearest thing
What do you want me to do? Stand up and sing?
‘Cause I will if you want, after what I’ve seen
Seen that woman beside you, where I should’ve been
I’ve been given a chance, to make a choice
Hide my face and cry or find my voice

I’ve been given a chance to stand up and say
I’m actually yours

X

I pick up the phone
Hold it in my hand
My heart begins to beat
What you do to me, I never will understand
Now here I am again,
Just like before
Getting down on one knee
Saying it’s you that I adore

The phone starts to ring
To whole world has gone silent
I’m shaking now
My hearts never beat this violent
I’m making up the words
I’m going to say
I’m never good at speaking
I always run away

That’s why I’m calling you now, my song to you
I figure I no longer have anything to lose
You’ll answer the phone, and hear me out
Then you’ll leave your home and come straight around
In the middle of the night, you’ll knock at my door
Being the man you never were before
You’ll wrap me in your arms and whisper to me
‘Right here is where I’ve always wanted to be’

And then you’ll say
I’m actually yours

VI

The phone rings again
What if you don’t answer?
I fill with doubt
Looking for confidence I can’t muster
Because I can still see
The look on your face
When that girl walked down the aisle
I thought had taken my place

I hang up
Don’t give you the chance
Risking you again
Is a battle I’m not willing to dance
The daydreams –
were they really that bad?
To see that smile on your face
Did it matter if I was sad?

And the way that I feel, you’d never understand
In love with you, yet don’t feel safe holding your hand
You can’t be dealing with a girl like that
The one last summer, in the field where we sat
You deserve much more than this average girl
You need the kind of girl who can give you the world
Being your friend in enough for me
I can hide the truth and you will never see

That forever and always, no matter what I say, where I am, who either of us are with
I’m completely and totally, actually yours





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