Cards of life

April 13, 2011
Twilight envelopes me,
Takes me,
Into the light,
Into the dark,
I feel like screaming out.
Screaming out for my mom,
Screaming because of the pain,
The Pain,
Used to make me feel good,
Though now,
It makes me want to cry and scream,
I thought I had,
No more tears,

The Tears crash down on me,
I can’t get back up,
No more tears.

I am fully into the dark,
Though as I go in,
I feel as though,
I am becoming the darkness,
The darkness inside of me,
It makes the pain more,
Through the cracks,
The cracks in my heart,
The pain seeps out,
Encasing me in with the darkness,
An overwhelming ache,
Passes through me,
An ache for my,
Father to want me,
An ache for me,
To be able to talk to my mother,
Then I see a bubble of light,
Through all of the darkness,
As I come closer to this bright light,
I begin to feel escape,
From the darkness,
I’m out,
Now to try to talk,
Talk to someone,
About this problem,
I face…

My insecurity,
Where does it come from?
I need a place,
A place where I can feel secure,
Though I used to have one,
It was taken away from me.
I was deliberately pulled,
Pulled away from my,
One and only secure place,
I don’t really understand what exactly,
Started this….

Maybe being pulled away caused this,
Maybe having low self-esteem,
Or maybe the fact that I try to be the perfect goodie-two-shoes in my family,

So how does someone get over this problem?
I have to find a new place,
A new place where I can feel safe and secure,
But I don’t think I will ever find this place,
It seems so far away,
So hard to find,
It’s like god or some big almighty being,
Doesn’t want me to find my secure place,
Does this mean I have to wait?
Or does it mean I have to fight for it?
Personally I don’t need this almighty being,
Telling me whether or not I can’t get my secure place,
People tell me that the most secure place to be is,
My mind,
But I don’t believe this,

Secretly I feel trapped inside,
And I want to get out,
But my minds walls are so high,
I can’t get out,
I can’t find any doors or openings or any types of light coming through any types of cracks.

So exactly where is my secure place?
I sometimes believe it’s my home,
That I feel secure in,
But I can’t be sure,
No one can be sure where their secure place is,
It could be in the place,
Where you least expect it to be,

I don’t know if I can have a secure place in my mind,
My mind sometimes feels like it’s the darkest place in my world,
The way I see the world is,
In some places it can be a dark scary place,
In others it has unicorns and butterflies and is one of the most happiest places,

But sometimes I feel like my mind is so dark,
If my mind is so dark,
Then how can I be so happy on the outside,
I’m happy because of the people I love,
They make me so happy,
The best things I could ask for in life,
My brothers and sisters,
My mom,
And my father,
They make my day,
We may fight,
But we are all happy in the end,

Though I am very insecure,
Sooner or later I will be fully secure,
And I won’t have any more problems.
I am also insecure about the way I look,
If I weren’t so insecure about everything,
I would be one of the happiest people in the world.

So how exactly do I say this?
I’m sad,
I don’t believe in myself,
I think I’m fat,
I’m not bulimic or anorexic,
I’m just sad,
Why can’t I say it?
Maybe I can write it,
I’m depressed,
How did I become depressed?
I think it happened gradually,
I thought it was something about growing up,
I thought everyone,
Got sad as they grew up,
I think that when it gradually happened,
It somehow hit me at 14 years old,
The depression hit hard,
So hard that I want to,
Do such horrible things to myself,

But I won’t let the depression get to me,
I have too much to live for,
I have my brothers and sisters,
I have my mother,
I have my whole future ahead of me,
I have people who love me.
Somehow I realized how many stupid times,
I say “I” and only think of myself,
When there are people in the world who have it worse than I do,

Though I just cannot this depression,
It’s ripping at my soul,
It’s ripping at my heart,
And somehow,
I think it’s still not satisfied,
It will never be satisfied,
Until I die,
Or until I do something about it,
Secretly I think it wants me,
To feel better,
If I feel better,
The depression goes away,
But I have to keep myself away,
From all the sad things,

All the pain I have felt,
Makes me understand,
That part of life,
It helps me understand,
All the pain other people have gone through,
Understanding is,
How we go through life,
We try to understand all that has happened to us.

The types of music I listen to,
Helps the pain and depression,
Sometimes it helps it go away,
Music somehow helps me with the emotions,
Music is my life,

My life is full of crap,
Some of it is useful,
Others are just there to take up space.
Sometimes I wish I was a different person,
A happier person,
But I realize,
I can’t become a different person,
I have to accept who I was born to be,
I have to accept the cards of life I hold,
These cards will soon be the end of me,
These cards make up,
How I am to live,
Whom I love,
And how exactly life goes.
I don’t know if these are the last cards of life I will ever hold,
Because I could die,
Next week,
Next month,
Next year,
I don’t know,
But I just have to love the cards I am dealt,
And love those who come into my life.

The End

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