What He Doesn't Realize

By , Saipan, Northern Mariana Islands
When I fail or screw up in something, I actually care
I know I'm not perfect,
And every little imperfections hurt.
But he doesn't realize that.

To him I'm worthless
To him I'm nothing.
"You're just a kid with big dreams"
"You're one ambitious child"
But I'm willing to walk whatever edge
Climb any mountain
Swim any ocean, to get to my goal.
But he doesn't realize that.

Every night I cry myself to sleep.
I stay up thinking about different ways
Or even possibilities of how I will make it happen
But he doesn't know that.

I try to gain every inch of self-confidence for myself
May it be an encouragement from a friend
A teacher, or even a stranger
But everything crumbles down once my father finds a fault in something I do.
But he doesn't realize that.

Does he know that he's the reason behind my lack of confidence?
That he's the one who taught me to keep my mouth shut at all times?
Probably not.

"You can't even do that?"
"How do you expect to succeed?"
You're worthless, You're nothing
You mean nothing to me.
Can he hear himself as he lets go of those words?
Probably not.

But I can.
I can hear every syllable that comes out of his mouth.
And where does it go?
Through one ear and out the other? No.
It goes in one ear and straight to the heart.
And it stays there.
But he doesn't realize that.

He tells me not to get my hopes up.
He says he doesn't want me to be disappointed.
He'll do what he can, but no promises.
That's not what I want to hear.
But he doesn't realize that.

I lock myself in my room.
Turn up the music real loud
Continue to dream because only then can i see the future being true.
How i wish he would just see the things the way i do.
But he can't.

Every time he says something negative about my goals, it hurts.
It stings, yet there's nothing I can do with the pain
I try to defend myself, and in front of him i can.
But really, I'm weak and i end up in my room, crying
But he doesn't know that

But someday...someday, I'll prove him wrong.
I'll turn everything around and show him.
Dad, I'm not worthless, I'm something
Maybe then he'll start to realize.

All the years of fighting, persevering
All the years of pain and obstacles,
All those time I screwed up, let him down
Will amount to how far I've finally come
Maybe then he'll finally realize...that I'm worth something after all.





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