Words have lost meaning.
I chew to make the perfect wad,
That can slither down my esophagus.
The pills stare me down.
Call after me when I haven’t shown them love.
Emptying bottles suddenly look,
As though they’re about to burst.
I am of course on the scene first.
Stop at the medicine cabinet.
Open it up and choruses of feeling
Emotions
Voices- are unleashed.
The things I should have kept bottled
In my heart have somehow
Managed to find themselves
Attached to prescriptions- not my own.
Body and mind compartmentalized itself
Without my conscience knowledge.
Each bottle a key to my members.
A security system successfully installed.
I cannot function sober any longer.
To cry I need a bottle to unlock my sensations.
Of which I crush.
In the crushed, gritty, bitter powder.
I’m not looking for answers,
I’m not looking for a solution.
I’m facing relief.
So I can silence my shadowed doubt.
The doubts which may be more
Serious and black than
Previously perceived.
Having a boyfriend
Will never help me find my fathers.
The three that left me.
God who turned his back in my time of need.
Dad, when their marriage failed
Fled the scene of the crime.
No goodbye kiss
Or trace of a note to be found.
So is my heart.
The charred, blackened thing.
Now frozen from the water
I tried to extinguish my anguish with.
I used to be warm.
Some said I had a glow,
My eyes used to shine.
Now my skin is overcast with
Yellowish hues and green undertones.
My eyes shaded, consumed.
All the life stomped out.
A shine that shimmered past me.