Sometimes I want to grab you by the shouders
not to shake you or hurt you
but to tell you

Green eyes mean nothing
don't wish for something
like that
Because you are already beautiful

Your brown eyes
so much character
so much strong-coffee-soul
never fearing its own
bitterness
but not without a promise
of something exotic
and free-falling

Strong chin, sweet mouth
so often curved curvily cuvaceously
a smirk
is your smile
ghostgirl is now not
no longer
now there is demand
demand for the satisfaction and praise and care and ATTENTION
siren-screams and rattlesounds
promising ATTENTION
never letting you leave the bright bright a-little-too-bright lights
but in a way that means well

So much
there was so much you sought
seek still
and will find
I promise
pretty-hair, parted-hair, used-to-be-platinum hair
color of honey now
or at least poundcake
angel food cake hair
because you are the angel in eyeliner
and mismatched shoes

And a thoughtful expression
when you zoom out
into No Man's Land
you make it yours
and then you've got that ATTENTION
and let me tell
you
we wanted to give it
you've never gotten nearly as much as you deserved

Left alone to ponder and wonder ponderwonder about things you couldn't control, you assumed (you had to assume to get by assuming makes you impenetrable
assumeshield
assumebracers
assumegreaves
assumebroadsword)

that if you couldn't change it
if there was nothing you could do
it didn't matter
why bother
close up shop
dust in the windows
hole in one of them
from a rock thrown
by people who wanted to understand
the vandals, the god**** vandals
who gave you
ATTENTION
the dirty tramp
battered and bruised as you - just in different places
and the little waif
and the leper
and the others, all the others
who just wanted to understand

The beggars who took you in
delighted and sad
wanting you to never leave
forevergirl

Who knows when the torch was thrown
into
that rock-hole in your musty store
a hoof to the cranium
stirring
perhaps
was it your own blood (brainblood? skullblood? noseblood? how sinister sounding...)
dripping on the carpet
the fancy Persian carpet
that made you realize
it did matter
the nose-head-heart might be broken
but there are bandages

people
who will help you bandage bandage BANDAGE it
with burning fluorescent lights
and siren-screams
the buzz of ATTENTION
people who love you so much
they can't stand it

We go up in flames, all around
you
to shine that light
fluorescent flames
(possible?) shining on you,
girl,
for you, girl, only for you
And then
all that's left
ashes
that's it
ashes of
us
and we want
we want so bad
for you to
carry us
around

in the coffee tin of your espresso eyes.

But that was then.
the carpet...
it's on fire now, babe
because of the torch
that landed
in your
dirty
dusty
rusted
shop
glass bottles exploding
perfume-smells, nostril-burns
alight and
alive

we must be arsonists
do you hate
us
for it?

girl, you can chase ghosts
and you
can chase answers
just chase
something
chase always
chase forever
hunt
constant struggle and strive and sweat
it feels so good

but don't drown
in it
don't you ever
ever
neverever
fall asleep in
that little
hand mirror that little picture frame
(you know, the one hidden in the drawer in the room nobody goes in... the one that's always dark)
don't

that little bit of darkness
mixed in with
Windex
gelato
animals - your animals (they can be tricky they don't mean to but babe, they can trick you)
the paints and notebooks
covering the vault
in your heart

locks rusted shut
No Longer
because
with a little bit of
ATTENTION

(and oilgreasespitshine but that's not the point, girl, you know it's not - that comes later)

the keyhole gleams
the knob
inviting
very much so
warm invitation
filigreed

what is there to see now?
a lot, babe, a lot
grief never
defined you
it just
dulled your colors
coffeecolors desertcolors angelcolors
poppyseeds on your fingers
hiding
the lemoncake
below

the moon rises over a red desert
(that's the best kind, girl, don't let anyone tell you different Arizonagirl)
not a rainforest
no, certainly not
different
but good
so good that we can't help but give that same
ATTENTION
in the desert
there is only
strength

And beneath the dry, cracked land
there is no
lush emerald green
rare, jewel-toned, gaudy
no, babe
you know what there is
there
is

warmth
life
rest
sleep
moisture, a willingness to secrete
secrete a secret until it's all gone
yes, drain out that
poison
you never needed it
so don't drown
in it

no, underneath that ancient-dust, that
clay
there is careful earth
the color

of espresso.

And it is


so beautiful.