new person

February 19, 2011
By Anonymous

Do you ever think about me
mom I am talking to you
you left me and now I wanna shut the world out around me
And I have been searching all this time just for you
time is moving all to fast
I have been climbing this mountain
and I have been searching for ever
trying to find you
look at me look what you have made me to day
I am cutter and a druggie and I can not stop this
I was a role model but now look at me I am nothing
I wanna die , I don't need to be here
look at me can't you see
when I wake up in the morning
when I look in the mirror
holy cow!
Look at me I am crazy person
I look like the part and I guess I am to a point
at time come I wonder why you had to leave I was good I was nice now look at me
I am a monster made out drugs and cuts on my arms
I can not get out of it once so ever.
I wish I was not here I wanna be that girl again that says
now look at me I do it I even scar my own family
I hate this mom why did you have to leave me the way you did
did you not love me so you took your life
was it something I did?
I miss you so much as my life slowly bleeds out and not in
these pains in my arms there their forever
symbols of war
a sign of darkness
that word I don mot say in a nice tone
I yell it and scream to it
I even cut to it and even do drugs to the name
I yell at the sky
all the time
because I know your up there
waiting for me
but look at me
there should not be any waiting you should be here
here on Earth not in heaven
if I could I would trade places
that would work right?
I know In my mind it would
but who knows anymore
this is like a dream
a nightmare
nightmare of you
a dream I can never wake up from
I look at the time
the time of your death
11:00 pm
you know I can not sleep right
I don't cry either
I tend to stay out of the way of happy people
it is not my thing anymore
it brings back you
things I know I can never stand remembering
I know I would cry and be a little girl in someone's arms
to me I don't know why I am here anymore
I lost things I loved
things I know I can't get back
I mean look at me
I lost you mom
I lost my brother and my sister
and now they call someone else there roll model
that pisses me off mom
you piss me off at times
why did you die like that
then God comes in
he makes me mad as well
he could have let you stay here on this Earth
that would have been nice
I think that day he was a jerk
he must have been on his man period
and he snapped his white fingers
and took your life from your body
you should here here your white fingers in my white hands
I cry myself to sleep at times
really every night
because of your face the pictures the hunting members in that E.R
the face on Nana that night....How am I going to make it
I think about this all the time sometimes I feel like I am losing my humanity
thinking about this all the time
now that I am older I have changed
I am 17 now and I wanna change
that word scars me
you know why?
Because if I mess up then I have blown my 2nd chance
my 2nd chance at life
the chance I know I will never get again
this I know ..
I am trying I want to go back to that Cheyenne
that little girl that said no to drugs and cutting
the Cheyenne with her mother
now look I am trying I am changing I know your looking down
down on me maybe even smiling
well I am smiling to mom
I can say that and not feel angry for it anymore
I like this the change
the change I am doing
it feels nice
I have the Earth in my hands
I that feeling I really do
if I can go back and change something
I don't think I would
I have made it this far right...
Someone is watching over me
a angel
maybe who knows I can do is smile and look at the sky
the sky brings hope even on its cloudy days
I sing and dance in the sunshine
it brings life in me
something that makes me feel complete for once
and not just in many pieces
I am a whole again
thank you
I love you
know when I see your picture I am not scared anymore
I tend to smile down on that picture and remember the good times I had with you
smiling is more easier to do now a days
there not fake anymore
I am glade for that
I feel real again
feels better then being high all the time
that I would never do again
those days are over and here I am
the new me
the me I can be with no strings
I am free puppet
I have became a real person
I smile to that 100%
I know now I can stand strong again
I can make a roll model out of myself
the smiles are here to stay
never to leave
not anymore
not as long as I am here to say something about it
Mom thank you for watching me
your the best mother ever
love you
now I can move on and be the Cheyenne I was the person everyone
wants to met again.

The author's comments:
i know if my mom was here i would not had to wake up from a nightmare.

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