To A Certain Person Who Shall Remain Unnamed

February 14, 2011
By , boca raton, FL
You used to smoke menthols …
Now you smoke filters.
You never used to care …
Now you say you do.
Nothings changed.
You’re still the same.
No calls, texts, or simple hellos.
Just long goodbyes, broken hearts, and emptiness.
I tried to give you all of me.
I would have given you everything I had until I had nothing left at all.
And I did.
But, you didn’t notice.
Not at all.
You kept going with your life.
Everyday you kept going with me barely hanging on behind you.
Upon entering the house … it was me left behind.
Waiting until you called me to your side.
Alone id sit, cross legged on your best friend’s bed, patient and quiet while the weed was passed.
Music blasting.
Young money and iceberg flooded my ears.
And then …
It would be my turn.
… Inhale … make sure to hold.
… Release.
Together wed smoke … inhaling … exhaling. The smoke becoming intertwined … much like the paths our lives had taken. Confusing and bumpy our lives meshed.
Formed an ocean.
Still and waiting.
Waiting for you … the mighty sea to lap at my shores and tempt me. Making it appear and feel as though you were pulling me back out to open water with you … where you’d hold and protect me … only to simply drag me for a split second then leave me stranded on the shore.
Watching you disappear.
Disappointed and broken.

I saw you again.
It’d been awhile.
The sand was cold, the water dark.
The lights on the pier penetrated the smoke and showed your face.
Still the same.
Happy on the outside … but what about the inside?
Still the same? ... I beg to differ.
We walked awhile, together with everybody, pretending not to notice each other.
But, me being me, I grabbed a hold of your attention.
My heart greedy.
Your shirt came off.
Into the blackness you dove, water spurting into the air like shards of broken glass.
I followed.
Shirt in the sand I joined you.
Cold air met warm waters.
You swam closer, my heart raced.
Id missed you.
Had you missed me?
Did you even notice I had gone?
It’d been almost a year …
Then it happened.
What id been longing for.
You grabbed a hold, fighting the waves to keep your grasp on my waist.
Smiling at me you pulled me closer.
Me? …
Blushed in the cover of darkness.
Warm lips met mine.
Salt water. Cigarettes.
Everything that had been taken.
Everything I had missed.
With the forces of Mother Nature against us we remained together.
In each others arms.
It’d been too long.
My mind rushed with thoughts of happy endings to be.
Together again.
Together on the sand my life felt whole.
Everyone and everything around me was what id been missing.
What I’d been craving.
It felt amazing to be myself again.
So needed, loved, wanted.
Your lips against mine.
I could feel your muscles moving, tensing up under my tight grasp.
The animal in you ready to pounce.
This animal was mine. I knew how to release him, how to control him.
Was now the right time to set him free? …
No. Not now.
Just tempt.
Your strength, your soft skin, the sand, the water, the smoke, the atmosphere.
The urge.
I know we could both feel it.
The excruciating pain of wanting to be closer.
To be joined.
As one.
As things got deeper, my mind came to.
I thought …
Any difference?
Id been tricked again.
How could you?!
Don’t you feel? … Don’t you understand? … You hold me so tight, whisper that you miss me! You lay my head on your lap and give me the shirt off your back! Your arm around me, you make unspoken promises. Do you know that? Love? … You love me? … Why? … How?
Are you sure? …
I can’t keep falling for this. Putting myself through such pain.
I can’t.
But, I know I will.
I can’t refuse you.
Can’t deny your touch.
No matter how you act or what lies you say.
Your arms remain open and I always seek shelter from them.
Don’t abandon me.
Don’t turn away.
Or forget.
The two of us … we’ll always have feelings … you said so … you … promised.
Are you lying? … No. you can’t be. Ten months from now and I’ll return.
I’ll never leave again.
No more sharing.
No fighting.
Just love.
I’d give up everything for you.
Hit me … if that’s the way it has to be.
Just don’t leave me.
Bruises, cuts, scrapes.
All external.
My heart is internal, it will remain unmarked. As long as you’re there to hold it together.
Let’s grow old and die together.
Let’s get high and fly together.
If that’s what you want.

The cold air snaps me back into reality.
There you are.
What happened? …
You’re so far away.
Whose she? …
What’s … what’s going on? …
No! I don’t want to think anymore … but …
Didn’t this happen before? …
There was another girl.
In the very beginning.
I remember now.
But, we’ve both messed up.
Something always brings us back together.
We run in the same circles.
We’re never apart for long.
Never will be.
Our bonds too tight for that.

Wait … it’s changed again.
I see you. But, it’s like you don’t see me anymore.
Come closer…
Be with me.
Share in my happiness.
You move to the bed.
Your foot stained crimson with blood.
An injury from earlier in the night.
I wish I could take care of it for you.
But that’s not my place just yet.
I nestle my head in the crook of your arm. My face touching your bare chest.
So warm, so soft. So many memories.
Tears well and I fight them back with all my strength.
I know I’ll be leaving soon.
Without a clue as to when I’ll be seeing you again.
A month? … A year? … ten months? …
Yes. Ten months from now and nothing will keep me away.
I cling to you.
Trying to wrap myself to you.
I would’ve given anything to stay the night with you again. To wake up and have you there. Your arm draped over my chest. Safe. Warm.
My phone lights up …
Time to go.
My heart skips a beat.
It’s the time I’ve been dreading.
You raise the can to your lips.
40oz watermelon flavor.
Your lips taste sweet as you kiss me goodbye.
Then I notice her.
The girl from before.
She’s in the motel room too.
Is she staying with everybody? …
With you? …
My vision blurs.
The motel steps seem like they’re three miles high.
The railing becomes my support and I become mechanical.
Knowing that if you drink too much, like I know you will, she’ll be yours.
She’ll take my place.
She’ll get to wake up with you next to her.
But will it mean as much to her as it does to me?
Will she feel the safety? The warmth?
Or will you just be another guy on her list? … Will she be another girl on yours? … Am I just one of those girls?
You’ve always tried so hard to convince me that what you feel for me is different. Is it? …
I believe you.
Even though I know what you do.
You get mad when I say I have another.
Someone in your spot.
Then you; you fill the spot.

All the way home you’re on my mind.
Will anything change? …
Will I hear from you? …
Will it only be when you want sex?
I never turn you down.
Self respect? … I have some, somewhere.
I give you all you want.
Because I’m scared if I don’t you’ll leave.
Disappear again.
… My mighty sea.

It’s been a couple days.
No word. …
I’m missing you again.
It’s interesting,
How things change.
How life feeds itself on the misery of our broken spirits.
Cries of pain and feelings of anguish rush through me.
Everyday a battle.
Battered and broken I always come out losing.
How long can I keep fighting? …
How much time do I have? …
Not a lot?
Yeah, I figured that.
Miss you … love you.
I’ll see you again.
I won’t give up.
I’ll always keep fighting.
Your heart belongs to me … and I refuse to let it go.

Why are you being so nice?...
Im almost afraid to believe anything you say anymore … I feel like a dog that been hit too many times.
I expect the pain again.
I wince when you say you love me.
But at the same time my heart flutters and I wana hit myself for believeing you.
Do you want something?... are you trying to get me to come over? …
Then what do you want? …
You love me? … ive heard that before.
Youre different now?... hmmm sounds firmilliar.
You, what? … you want me to what?...
Live with you? … a family?... me, you … a family?...
Please don’t. don’t mess with my head.
Do you know how many tears ive shed? How many times you stabbed me in the heart?
Don’t say things like that unless you really mean it.
You mean it? …
I mean … I guess … maybe it could work.
You seem pretty sure that it would.
But Im hesitant.
Can you blame me?
With all the hollow words you’ve spoken … all the promises you’ve broken.
Why should I trust you?
What does your word mean to me?
I love you, that’s true. But the real question is; do you?
Do you really?
I always believe you. I always hope you’ve changed.
Maybe this time will be the time.
Maybe its real now.
All I can do is pray.
That’s all I’ve got.
No magic potion, no spell to recite.
My only chance is to look to the stars at night. And hope.
So I will.
I’ll never stop hoping.
That maybe one day … youll mean what you say.
And me and you can be what weve both always wanted, always needed so badly.
A family.

Who knew this would happen?
Actually … in the back on my mind I knew it would.
You call it destiny … I … I call it the same thing.
We always find eachother again.
So here we are, sitting in your room.
Id never been here before … it’s all new to me.
I could say I liked it … that wouldn’t be a complete lie.
Your mom is a saint, shes so full of love, greeting me warmly at the door.
The first time ive met her … she says shes heard of me before.
Makes me ownder what you’ve said.
Your dad’s here too.
Never seen him either.
And your dog …
You have a dog? …

Its nice to see that you have a room now … your own space instead of a couch.
Your still in work clothes.
Proud of you.
Shows your changing … hopefully for the better.
Your new surfboards on the floor, you said you bougth it yourself.
New shoes on your feet.
That’s a good sign.
You’ve cut your hair … its all gone.
I didn’t even recognize you at first.
Your long hair made you gorgeous to me … but … you definetly still are.

I sit at the end of the bed.
Everybodys here.
The groups original members.
Makes me wish I never had to leave.
Its so comforting, so refreshing to be around true family.
People that actually want you around and really do care about you. Who aren’t forced to deal with you and say fake “I love you”s just because they gave birth to you or got stuck being related.
You cant choose your family … but you can choose to create a new one.
One that takes away your pain … makes you feel whole again.
That’s what these people are to me.
My family.
Always there, always willing to help.
Miss them with all my heart.
Theres only 8 months keeping me apart.

The car is full.
6 of us piled in.
Everybodys happy, laughing and singing.
I soak it up, not knowing when I’ll get the chance to be this happy again.
Songs come on that I hear the lyrics to. They all remind me of you.
You haven’t noticed. I didtn think you would.
Your care free.
I wish I could say the same for me.

We park in the dark and pile out, planning our night.
Street lights cast an orange glow.
Your sadows next to mine, an interesting show.
walking a little ways lead us under the inlet bridge.
Neon lights in front of us make for great pictures and lots of fun.
We sit and talk. Some of throw shells at the ledge.
Making a game.
Don’t hit the glass!
The salt air and mist hit us with the cold wind.
Shuttering at its bite coats are zipped and beanies are pulled down.
Maybe the sudden distraction will hide my frown.
You haven’t paid attention to me.
Im the invisible girl to you... you see through me.
I wish my heart was all you could see.
Beating slower with everyday passing.
Its been broken so many times … I always bandage it back together.
But … how many times can I do that before the pieces start to stop ftting?...
Im forced to remain calm… holding my heart tightly in my palm.
Making sure it stays together.
Seeing you look at me makes it light as a feather and I fight to keep it down as a smile overcomes my frown.

after awhile we walk up the rocks.
A lot of us wishing we hadn’t worn flip flops … or atleast brought some socks.
Florida kids for ya.
On top of the bridge we walk in small clusters of two or three.
I focus my attention on the water below.
Black as tar, car lights glistening off it look like stars.
Its choppy and I wonder what its hiding.
A shark looking to make a meal of a unsuspecting little fish?...
The fish wouldn’t stand a chance.
Wouldn’t know how to deal with the sharks tricks or quick swimming.
Itd be an easy meal…

Something touches me, I jump in surprise and turn …
Its you.
You reach for my hand … let our fingers lock then pull away.
I fake a laugh to hide my hurt then attempt to rejoin the fray.
I let the wind push me … it feels like it could blow me away.
Carry me far through the air … dropping me in some strange land where I could start over.
… where I’d never met you… where my heart would be mine to never share…
Where I’d protect it in a glass case so it could be admired from afar … but never touched again.
… is there such a place? …
Simple answer.

The teasing becomes too much and I feel some strength grow in me.
All I can ask is why? … but right as the words are about to escape … I lose my nerve.
I walk past you … everybodys ahead of us now.
You walk up beside me and wrap your arm around my waist.
You lean down … I remember the taste…
you release … grab my hand … and all I think is please don’t let go.
We walk slowly behind everybody.
Our own world … just you and me.
Let’s stay here forever.
Return home?
I shatter the glass case … my heart is yours.
I surrender.
There’s no point in fighting when the battles already been won.
The car is coming into view… our world is drifting away.
I had really wanted to stay…
I sit in the back next to you.
I think you know I’m hurting now.
Holding hands I’m on my way to the place I call home.
I look out the window and watch as time flies by.
… it’s because of you these tears I cry.
You rub my finger … I tingle and hold tighter to you.
I wish I never had to let go…
That tomorrow wouldn’t be a repeat show…’
Starring me … The Invisible Girl.

I get out under the light… say my goodbyes.
And walk away as fast as I can.
I hear the car pull out and it takes all my restraint not to shout.
Once inside It all comes out.
Tears pour.
My eyes become sore.
I began to feel embarrassed … stupid even.
For feeling this way.
I picture you making fun of me … telling people how dumb I’am for falling for your tricks.
A shark to a little fish…
Would you do that?... humiliate me like that?
I try not to think about it.
I’m not sure what the answer is.
I lay in bed for a long time … tears rolling down my face … staining my sheets.
Nobody’s around to talk to … not like people would understand.
I wish somebody out there would listen to me…
Listen to the words of the broken hearted.
My chests ablaze with a fire I started.
Its wild … burning everything it touches.
It runs with the curiousity of a small child.
A smoldering path of ashes in its wake.
A deep burn.
Third degree.
Breaths keep shallow and shake…
Salt streaks my face…
I close my eyes and try to rest.
And even though I do my best … Its four in the morning before I drift off to sleep …

In the morning my red eyes are a reminder of the night before.
Everything hurts right down to the core.
A morning cigarette almost feels like a chore.
Nothing feels the same when you’re broken hearted…
Down trotted…

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Basketball23 said...
Mar. 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm
Wow.  This is amazing!
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