Think, Feel, Truth

January 29, 2011
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I will die emotionally before I die physically,
this I know to be the true fate in this life I live.
The time will soon come for me to go and with it my body will follow quick -
after my soul goes slowly, like a boat flowing through the sea I will wander -
alone, but with no fear
for my emotions will be purged into the sea, only to be looked upon, never to be touched.

I will wander - and I will cry because it’s the only thing I can do.
Tears always come no matter the emotion I feel, so I will cry
and stare blankly at nothing because that is all I can do.
And maybe one day I will be able to embrace everything
and let myself go
like that preacher said when she once dug in me, pulling me to release and simply breathe...
maybe one day I will fly

I want to do this and I don't want to do that
but I can't do everything I want and sometimes things I don't want to do have to be done.
But I am a stubborn child, I know how I should be
but I still have my dark thoughts, my sad thoughts, and my greedy thoughts.
I am human,
The imperfect creature created in the image of God to suffer and learn the purpose of my existence...

I know no more to say.
I know nothing at this point, except the honest truth -
I am sad and I am hurt
I want to punish the world and I want to punish myself.
I feel no love.
I believe I now deserve no love because I am nothing,
I am a bother.
I've let those feelings sink deep into my heart now I cannot concentrate. I'm distracted.
I don't want to do anything but I want someone to come save me
and tell me it’s all in my head, that I'm being deluded.
But not all of us are that lucky.

I know the real truth. I know why I am this way.
I want love.
I crave it like addicts crave drugs
I want the companionship, the hurt, the release, all and everything mixed into one perfect little being
that will catch me when I fall.
Does that make me disturbed? Am I sick?
Have you too ever felt the way I'm feeling?
Do you even understand or wish to really see... and if you do then why?
Is it because I'm interesting or strange?
Do you really care about how I feel and what I do and what happens to me?
I don' least, not now in the state of mind I'm in.
I just want to sink but not drown.
I want to float down an endless body of water, feeling nothing, but the water against my flesh.
I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, and I don't want to care.

But who am I kidding?
I will think. I will think about all the times I stayed up
rehearsing every word I was going to say and every action I was going to take.
I will feel. I'll feel every bit of happiness, sadness,
and all the little things in between that I could never let go.
And I will care, just because that's the way I am.
I am a naive girl with many talents and flaws but the greatest thing I hold is my heart.
Let me never forget the truth even if I keep the thoughts and feelings

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