Let me tell you something ladies: being beautiful is not easy but for the first time in history it can be done.

And the excellent thing is that it can be bought. a couple of thousand for a toxic injection, a surgical slice there, a butter cream with unidentifiable ingredients and voila, you are beautiful. But I’m oversimplifying, so I will take you through the steps…

First: you are going to need ivory skin cold and fresh as the snow on a clear Sunday morning and if you have not been blessed with such a gift, fear not! Skin-whitening ointments can be found at the nearest Sephora or Rite-aid. And if they burn, searing you, and damage your flesh, continue using them. You are doing this for a good cause. The only cause worth fighting for.

Second: you’ll need inhuman proportions. You must have matchsticks for legs. And a waist that is the size of a needle. You can do this by only eating salads and exercising vigorously every day, but you must never look hungry. Your breasts must be high, and each must be the size of a balloon. A doctor will have to help you. This paid professional will not balk or think twice about stuffing your chest with garbage, or cutting away some useless skin, or shaving off parts of your bones, but then again, neither will you.

Third: wear makeup at all times. If someone sees you without it, he or she might notice bags under your eyes, or lines of life on your face. The spark of humanity and the warmth of your smile must be caked in powder. This is the most important thing to remember.

When you have accomplished all of these steps, congratulations are in order. You are now beautiful. And when you look in the mirror, you will see the picture of absolute perfection. But, I have to tell you ladies, that woman in the mirror will no longer be human.